Thank you's! & A great book!

Thank you to those that have sent us tender messages of hope and encouragement. It's times like these that you find out who truly cares about you. Many can be supportive when things are great and happy and wonderful, because that's easy. But few stick around to make sure you're ok when things get tough, ugly, and hard to hear or talk about.

Thanks to all who have expressed your sorrow, and to those who went the extra mile and have brought by food, mailed goodies, flowers, made gifts, and other fun things. Nothing makes our days more bright! Thank you for your generosity. We will always remember and cherish your support during this sad time. It's not easy, or sometimes very comfortable, to comfort those in need. It's hard to know what to say or do, because you know nothing can change what happened or take away the pain. But THANK YOU for just being there! Some days are better than others, but we love that you (you guys know who you are!) manage to text or message us at just the right moments. You are inspired, and make this more bearable, thank you...

And lastly, but certainly not least, thanks so much to our sweet friend, Brooke, who recommended the book "Gone too Soon - The life and loss of infants and unborn children". What a tear jerker, but it is helping us so much. Thanks Brooke! I highly recommend this book to anyone. Whether it's someone close to you that has experienced the loss of a child by miscarriage, still born, infant death...or if it was you yourself...get this book! It's so greatly and sweetly written...with TONS of tips on the grieving process, how to cope, when to try again (because that's a very personal and important decision, everyone is different), how to avoid being bitter, how to not feel guilt, and why to be patient with those who aren't so great at expressing their condolences, or don't express them at all. We have taken away many positive and helpful things from this book.

Photo credit: Google images

"A person's a person, no matter how small!" - Dr. Seuss

This blog had become such a thing of happiness, hope, and excitement. It seems, I guess "wrong" is the word I'm looking for, to post more sadness on it. The blog was supposed to be turned into a book for a fun keepsake for our baby or babies. It was definitely NOT supposed to have posts about miscarrying, pain, loss, and more heart breaking trials. However, that is all part of this life I guess. We are here to experience love, sadness, etc. It's what we signed up for in heaven, even though sometimes we think, why on earth would we have agreed to THIS?! We can often feel that we're pretty sure there has been a big mistake. And after our 8 years of suffering with infertility, we know by now that life itself, and dealing with the obstacles of trying to start a family, can be such a roller coaster ride and often very unfair.

The loss of a child, no matter at what stage in the pregnancy, is absolutely devastating. Especially when suffering with infertility for so long. So many though write off early miscarriages as not that big of deals. This infuriates us. Insensitive people say things like: "well at least it wasn't a REAL baby yet"..."at least you didn't bond with it yet"..."at least you didn't miscarry later on or have a still born, that's so much worse that THIS"..."obviously it just wasn't meant to be"..."at least you didn't have to experience the pains of labor"..."it's just nature's way of taking care of the weak and deformed"..."well you can just have another baby soon can't you?", etc. While no one has said any of these horrible things to us yet, we know it will eventually happen one day. And sadly others have had to endure these comments. Have been reading a lot of online posts and am horrified by the things people say to others. Unfortunately, not everyone out there is sensitive and tactful. 

To all of those out there who say awful and hurtful things like this to grieving parents though, we say back...

YES, it was VERY MUCH a baby already. Even though our baby wasn't quite an inch long yet, it still had a heart beat, detectable brain waves, arms, legs, a little body, forming organs and facial features, etc. It was on it's way to becoming just like you and me before something went wrong. Just because all babies don't get to have a funeral or memorial service, or weren't as big as you deem worthy to be called "a real baby", it was still OUR baby and it's gone. The size and weight of our baby doesn't lessen the pain, and we still experienced a loss. One that will effect us forever.

YES, I had to take labor inducing meds and experience the most pain I've ever been in physically, because my body didn't want to let the pregnancy go naturally. I still had to endure painful contractions for several hours, but got no baby out of it. And, just because the father didn't experience any physical pain from a miscarriage, his heart is still shattered, and he loved the baby too. So many forget to ask the fathers how THEY are holding up. A great book we are reading has a section on that, very important.

YES, while we are grateful that something went wrong sooner rather than later, because having a still born or experiencing an infant death is a completely different devastation and kind of suffering, we are still hurting and are heart broken. We will always long for what could have been...what he or she would have looked like? How many grand kids would they have given us? What career path would they have chosen? And what kind of person would he or she have been? 

YES, we were already bonding with this baby...talking about how to arrange it's nursery, thinking about it's future, and our future with him or her, etc. I found myself already saying, "what should we have for lunch today baby?"..."ok, let's go potty AGAIN baby"..."can't wait to see you on the ultrasound screen again baby". The bonding of mother and child starts very early on for most women. I've never wanted to be a fancy business woman, famous singer, super model, or athlete...I've always wanted to be a mother. To be able to stay at home, and love and nurture my babies. Hopefully our next treatment will bless us with a healthy baby and we can finally achieve our dream of parenthood. 

A GIANT thank you to my sweet cousin, Carolyn, who has said the most comforting thing of all to us....

"A PERSON'S A PERSON, NO MATTER HOW SMALL!" 
Dr. Seuss

We know our sweet little angel baby boy, or girl, is watching over us from heaven! We are so grateful to have been it's earthly parents, even if it was only for a short while. We WILL see him or her again. My baby sister said it best..."what better babysitter could you ask for than our Heavenly Father?!"

photo credit: Google images

"God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles, and a reward for your faithfulness. Don't give up!" - Unknown

As I have thought about posting something over the past couple of weeks, it was just too hard. I could not bring myself to do it. And I honestly didn't even know what to say. Seriously, not a clue. Nothing came to mind except more tears. At first our brains felt as if they were in a thick fog, and we were numb. There have been days that have just completely flown by in what seems like only a few short hours. We seriously feel like we don't know what we did some days. I'm still in pain physically, so I can't do that much, but we are like...did we really watch that much tv?! Did we really cry for that long?! Where did the time go?! Did I just sit there and stare at the wall for hours?! It's so odd, the world around you feels so weird sometimes when you're grieving. We remember some of these awful feelings from when we experienced our failed IVF cycle several years ago. At least this time we are blessed with additional embryos, so not all hope feels lost this time around! It's really the only thing getting us through, besides each other, and the support of family and friends. And at least we now know that I can get pregnant, we weren't sure if I could. Nothing said I couldn't, but we hadn't had any luck in the past either. But, we are so bummed to be back to being heart broken. It took us YEARS to get out of our IVF depression slump. I could finally look at the baby section in department stores without bursting into tears! Now we are back to square one. Not a fun place to be. Our hearts hurt so bad. It all seemed like a bad dream the first few days, a bad and foggy dream. We were just so shocked because as far as we knew, things were going great. We were the happiest we had EVER been. Then a few days later, the shock of our bad news started to wear off. Which in our opinion, is the worst part of all (besides the actual miscarriage itself). You have to figure out how you're going to deal with your mountain of pain. And it is a strong pain, very different than any other we have felt before. It can't be ignored, and can feel so overwhelming. It would be so nice if you could make yourself think that nothing happened, and you could just move on immediately. But unfortunately, that isn't how it works. Eventually you get through the mourning process, which is different for everyone, but we know there will always be a part of us that will never fully recover. Many years from now, I know we will still cry over this loss, because that baby was loved so much already. We think the two things that make this the most hard to deal with, is that we had tried for SO long, and were finally given a baby, but only for a short while. EIGHT years is a very long time to wait for a baby and not get to keep it! And secondly, that we had finally let ourselves get totally excited just before things took a turn for the worst. In the beginning, we were just so surprised that the treatment actually worked, that finally being pregnant took a little bit to sink in. Only several short weeks later it was ripped away from us unexpectedly.

But if we have gotten through everything else that we were dealt over the last nine and a half years, I think we can get through this, and that our marriage will be strengthened all the more because of it!! One of our bishops from a few years back was shocked to hear everything that we've been through. It could always be worse, but he said most people don't go through everything that we have in their whole life time. We had it rough from the very beginning it feels like: previous abusive relationships/family members...when we were dating and trying to get married, certain individuals didn't approve of me, so we had to wait a year after getting married civilly to finally be sealed in the temple...found out we couldn't have kids...we lost jobs when the economy tanked...had a failed Clomid, and then IVF cycle...lost our home and a car...dealt with years of infertility... suffered for years with misdiagnosed health issues, and depression...and so on. He said he was so proud of us for not losing our faith, and that most who struggle so badly end up turning away from God completely.  He said that we had done everything right even though it wasn't easy and others didn't agree with us, that we were a great team, and that we could be proud of our choices and who we were. We often remember that conversation with him, and draw strength from it. He said we were meant to be or things wouldn't be so hard. He thought we are one of the few truly happy couples out there, and that we can take anything thrown at us. We will forever be grateful for his uplifting words! Like I said, it could ALWAYS be worse. But these have been some of our life trials. Life is NOT easy for anyone, in just one way or many. Through it all though, I can say without a doubt that I love my husband and am still so grateful that we met that day in the singles ward. Wouldn't change a thing (even though some things might be nice changed!), because that'd mean we would be different people today. Trials really do strengthen you, especially as a couple, if you just let them. Trials can bond you, or destroy you. And strengthen your testimony, or break it. Blake means more to me than I could ever say. He is my best friend, personal in-house comedian, and random facts knower. He has the kindest heart, cutest personality, and is nice to everyone, even to people who hurt him. His love, support, and open arms have been the only things getting me through the days lately. He just hugs me and let's me cry, sometimes that's just what you need to do. It's heart breaking to see him so sad also, but we are grateful we have each other to lean on. Each day that goes by is a tiny bit better, hoping time will make our hearts not ache as bad.

We know that even though it seems like the exact opposite right now, we WILL be rewarded for our faithfulness some day. I know that for a fact. I am so grateful for the gospel in our lives, and for the knowledge that families can be together forever. We ARE sealed to our angel baby for all time. We hope this blog will give strength and comfort to those suffering from infertility, miscarriages, and other life struggles. We don't have to be enduring the same struggles to be there for each other. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If our blog tells you anything, we hope it's that! Don't give up! 

LOVE LOVE LOVE this quote, felt like we should share it ♥

photo credit: facebook

Over 10,000 views, you guys rock! - Thanks to all ♥

We cannot believe that our blog has over 10,000 views! We know a lot are returning family and friends, but we don't know THIS many people! The blog has a stats section that only we can see. It tells us how many views per day and per post, what devices our blog is viewed on, what countries are viewing it, etc. We hope that this blog is not only fun for you update wise, but that it's also helping and reaching others who struggle with infertility, miscarriages, and also increasing Embryo Donation/Adoption awareness!

Although our first pregnancy wasn't successful, Embryo Adoption has been a HUGE blessing to us. We appreciate your love and support so much, during the good and now very sad times. Nothing makes our day more happy than seeing all of your uplifting comments and so many views. While we are hurting, we get great comfort from our remaining snowflakes. Our fertility doctor expressed her sadness to us yesterday, and said they would be great babysitters to the embryos still waiting for us :) Thought that was so sweet. So blessed to have extra snowflakes. If we didn't have them, we would be even bigger messes, and all hope would seem lost. Thanks so much for your support.

Our blog has been viewed by the following countries...total awesomeness!
Thank you for following us!

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photo credit: google.com

Our hearts are breaking, but we are so grateful that families are forever ♥

We had a follow up appointment this afternoon, and unfortunately the baby no longer has a heart beat. We had a sinking feeling that something wasn't right when our last ultrasound went how it did, but we were trying to stay positive. My doctor wanted to do another ultrasound just to make sure, and I wasn't completely convinced anyways. I have had no bleeding, cramps, etc. But the fertility meds mimic a lot of the pregnancy symptoms, so it would have been hard to tell anyways. But there is no doubt about it, we won't be welcoming a little one in October. We are beyond devastated and it all feels like a nightmare that we can't wake up from. One minute we are like what just happened, and the next we are sobbing. But we are so grateful for our church, our father in heaven, and the knowledge that families are forever. That sweet baby is waiting for us in heaven, and knows how much it was already loved. 

Apparently the baby's heart beat was kind of low at the 7 week appt a couple of weeks ago. They normally like to see it around 170 and it was at 117. We didn't know that until today though, but that isn't always a bad sign they said. We honestly are grateful that we weren't aware of the semi low heart beat because it would have just been all the more stressful the past couple weeks. The doctor said my uterus and the placenta all looked great, but that the baby just quit progressing shortly after our first ultrasound for some reason. These things happen, and they can't be explained.

Thank you so much for all of the kind comments, we really appreciate your support. This blog has been very therapeutic for me. Even now. I am so grateful that Blake was able to leave work today and come with me, it would have been awful to go alone. I am so grateful for him, his love for me, and for his tender heart. He is such a comfort, and at least we still have each other. We grew so much as a couple over the last 8 years through our struggles. This isn't our first treatment heart break, however it is very different from our failed IVF cycle several years ago. It will take time to heal all the same though.

We are going to take a breather for a bit, and try the treatment again later this year hopefully. We are extremely lucky and have several embryos left. So very grateful for our donor couple. Although things didn't turn out how we had hoped, it was still very special for us to finally hear that we were expecting. Those are the best words ever. This came out of nowhere and we were expecting to hear today that it was twins, but we are still so very grateful for the opportunity to have experienced this pregnancy. Even if it was only for several weeks, it was the happiest several weeks of our lives.

Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks so much again for all of your support.

So disappointing!! - Your "company policies" SUCK

Sadly, today did not go as planned!

So disappointed! Last time we got to see everything...she totally took her time, let us see how the baby measured, showed us the heart beat, amniotic sac, my uterus and ovary measurements, gave us pictures to take home, etc. All she did today was rush through it at mach speed, I think my lower half actually has whip lash! We got zero pictures, didn't get to see baby's heart beat or get a rate per minute (for the fertility center's files), and no word on how many are in there. She wouldn't even turn the screen. I was so mad and sad that I almost burst into tears in the imaging room, ha ha. The last 2 weeks drugg by, we were so excited. She said "your doctor's office is going to have to confirm everything with you, and they're all gone for the day it looks like, I'm so sorry." REALLY, at 2:15pm?! We have been waiting 8 years to have a baby people, so now we just get to stress all weekend?? Blink twice for twins, touch your nose for 1, cough if something is not right...anything!! She totally gave us the impression last week that we would for sure know today how many babies, that's why we are like what the heck. So now we have to wait til Monday (which is 8,000 years from now by the way!) for my OB's office to call with the results, because "company policy" prohibits her from telling us anything. Well it didn't prohibit you at all last appointment, but whatever! I understand you might get fired if you do or say something that's a big no no, and we don't want that, but why was our last visit so different from today? It was the same person! So, unfortunately we know nothing, STILL. Limbo, the story of our lives. Someone better be calling me on Monday or I will kill somebody. The only words she uttered today were "well I see something as plain as day." That was it. Seriously?! So we are left wondering if something is wrong, if there really is more than one in there, if she was just extra weird today for no good reason and there's only one in there, or if all is fine. I know I'm a big worry wort by nature (and genetics, dad and I call each other Debbie, Debbie Downer ha ha), but she was just so weird today and kicked us right out! Hoping for the best and trying not to stress. My sister reminded me that Mondays are good luck anyways, that's the day of the week that we found out that I was pregnant, and also the days that my blood work always came back great during the treatment! Thanks baby sissy ☺ I made a cute sign for today and everything, still so bummed. We will let you know what we find out on Monday. To top it all off, if all went good today, the fertility center said I could have stopped my meds! Such a disappointment, because I'm in a lot of pain from all of these dang injections. Here is my sad face lol...

Our first baby! ♥ - cutest picture ever

I thought our first child, our little furry baby, deserved a post of his very own! He is the cutest, smartest, most loving, and most energetic 10 year old weeniedog around! We love him to pieces and don't know what we'd do without him. He has gotten us through so many hard years, and he means the world to us.

He always knows when we've had a rough day... he cuddles and licks me when I cry, and lays by us when we're sick. He is hilarious, spunky, super speedy, playful, truly thinks he's a person, loves his toys, blankies, Nylabones, treats, and tennis balls. He will harass you if you have cheese, oranges, apples, or watermelon, and can hear food wrappers from a mile away!

He loves everyone after he gets used to them, but my dad and Blake are his two favorite people in the whole world! He lets me cuddle him and talk baby talk to him as long as Blake isn't in the room, ha ha. Boys will be boys. He loves kisses on top of his head, and falls asleep when my sister gives him massages. He hates his Halloween costumes but still wears them and let's me take pictures. He hates rain and really hates thunder. He whimpers by the door when Blake leaves for work, and sometimes sits on Blake's shoes so he can't leave, ha ha.

He has the most expressive little eyes and eyebrows. He was an unruly and too smart for his own good puppy, but has mellowed out over the last few years and loves to cuddle. He only pretends to hate baths, but loves being scrubbed, wrapped up like a baby, and dried off! He likes to huff and puff in his bed when he's bored, and zooms around the house like a mad man when he's excited.

 We can't wait to see what he thinks of a new baby or two! We didn't know if he was going to still be around when we finally were able to start a family, we're so glad he's so healthy! His hearing, smell, and eyesight are starting to go a little, but he hardly has any gray fur. This little guy is truly part of our family ♥ We love you Slinky!

(and yes, I got him when Toy Story was popular...)

He's been reading up...is he not the cutest thing ever?! ☺

Our first POSITIVE at home test! - One for every year we suffered!

No, we haven't lost our minds. Yes, we already know I'm pregnant, ha ha.

But we still NEEDED to do this! I think we deserve some "normal people" pregnancy fun after all these years of struggling! ☺ The life of infertility/fertility treatments can often make you feel left out still, not normal. Even if your treatment is a success. You experience things so differently than all the lucky ducks out there whose bodies actually work correctly. So we thought this would be fun, and it was! This has to be the most fun we have had so far, besides our first ultrasound, of course. 

Finding out it was positive via blood test from the fertility center was obviously exciting, but this was SO MUCH better. We have waited a long time to have a positive at home pregnancy test. I can't stop looking at them! ♥ Blake joked that we should frame them on the wall, lol. Not gonna lie, I'm tempted...just so we can look at them everyday in amazement. Can't even tell you how much money we've spent over the years on pregnancy and ovulation tests, but it's A LOT. Two years ago on Valentine's Day we got a positive ovulation test...that's it...for eight whole years. Obviously nothing ever came of that, so it's very fun to FINALLY have these. To hold something in your hands (that's not a piece of paper) that says "YES, YOU'RE PREGNANT! YAY FOR YOU GUYS!" is so awesome.

Thought it'd be fun to do one for every year that we suffered, infertility sucks! Couldn't afford to do one for every month that we were let down, because that would have been over 90 tests. SAD. We are so grateful to have that behind us and finally be starting a family. Blake has said for years that "2015 is going to be our year, I can just feel it!", but I was like yeah right, dude. SO happy he was right. We pray constantly that things continue to go well.

By the way, we didn't have to wait the recommended 3 minutes on the tests, the results were immediate, lol. I can only imagine what my hcg level is now, since it was 1,836 on the 10th. It doubles every few days, so fun! We had no idea that the home tests can detect a level as low as 25.

From carnivore to meat hater, common questions answered (including baby names!), and a little update!

I loved meat, LOVED meat...
Burgers, bacon, sausage, turkey, chicken, tuna, polish sausages, hot dogs, you name it. Not anymore. I can still stand certain turkey lunch meats and chicken once in a blue moon. But other than that, eww! That's how I lost my 35 lbs before the treatment, was the low carb/low sugar diet. Got to eat meats which I loved, salads, etc. I felt great, slept better, and totally de-sugarized myself. It was awesome. Now I almost puke at the smell of meat, it instantly nauseates me. Blake had a hot dog for lunch today and I gagged the whole time he was eating it. I made him light a candle half way through his lunch, ha ha. I ordered some protein shake mix so that I still get my protein because it's very important, but I'm very sad about the meat thing! I started the late fertility treatment and very early weeks of pregnancy with a spaghetti sauce obsession, moved on to pea soup, and now have Costco sliced pineapple and a sandwich with TONS of mustard for almost every meal. It's been interesting, he he. I  also wake up daily at 6am on the dot and am absolutely starving. Feels like I haven't eaten in years. It's soo weird!

I will be 8 wks on Monday...
The baby/babies will no longer be considered an embryo. They're now a fetus (hate that word)! Their tongue, eyes, and other facial features are taking form. And their little arms and legs are starting to look less webbed. I look forward to reading the progress update online every week. So amazing, the body is an amazing thing! Slinky, our dog, has started to notice some changes in me. He smells my arms and belly quite a bit. He's going to be in for quite the surprise, ha ha. And Blake said the other night, "you smell different!" while laying on my arm. Not a bad different, just different. So funny. I've been feeling pretty nauseous still, but vomiting isn't a daily thing anymore. Definitely more tired, been taking more naps. And I drink water like you wouldn't believe, but that's a good thing!

Not much else to report of until our next ultrasound on the 6th, 
but I thought I would answer some questions that we have been getting asked a lot :) 

1. Do you have names picked out yet? YES! YES! YES! We have had names picked out for EIGHT years! Can't wait to use them...it's been a long time coming. We have a few for each gender but here are our favorites...

 GIRL: Claire Isabelle. Claire because it's just beautiful, and we both love the older and less super trendy names. Have been waiting YEARS to use Claire! And Isabelle because my great great Aunt Isabelle "B" was very special to me. Still playing with middle names though.

BOY: Cameron Blake. We both love Cameron, which is good because Blake is super picky ha ha. I have had like 2 pages of boy and girl names for several years, and he likes a total of maybe 6. And we like Blake as a middle name because of the obvious reason ha ha. I have loved the name Blake since I was little. My baby boy dolls always used to be Blake, ha ha.

There are other names we like as well, but these will be used first! ♥ Basically, we like a lot of C names, lol.

2. So you had a successful IVF treatment finally? No, we did not do IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). We adopted someone else's embryos. A couple of them were thawed out and were transferred into me, just as if they were our own. We can't have children with our own DNA. We did not have any embryos that survived when we did our own IVF cycle 7 yrs ago.

3. Did you do a sperm and/or egg donor? No, we did not use a sperm or egg donor. Although this is a great option for many, we adopted embryos - which is when someone else's sperm and eggs have already been combined, the embryos started to grow, were then frozen, and then donated because they weren't going to be used by our donor couple. Their family was complete.

4. When are you due? October 12th, for now... :)

5. What do you want, a boy or girl? We honestly don't care, either would be SO much fun!!

6. How many kids do you guys want? 3 or 4

7.  Do you have to fill out a bunch of adoption paperwork after you have these children? No, adoption laws only apply to babies that are already "born". This is simply a donation, no actual baby in hand when the embryo transfer occurs. There is no adoption paperwork now, or ever (for our situation anyways - not all embryo donations are anonymous. Some are open and have agreements). And no one else's names will ever be on the children's birth certificates but ours. Our situation is the same as ones who have had to do both donor sperm and donor eggs. It's not our DNA, but does not require any traditional adoption paperwork.

8. And lastly, I know some are wondering this because it's normal to wonder, but no one would ever dare ask probably...so here ya go.
No, we don't feel like we are having "someone else's babies". Even though I'm literally pregnant with a baby/babies that aren't from either mine or Blake's DNA, it does not feel that way at all. This is OUR baby! The spirit has confirmed that to us. The remaining frozen embryos are OURS for as long as we want them. It just feels as if our IVF treatment in 2008 actually worked and we were able to freeze embryos for later. Feels as if we are just picking up where we left off :) All of our children from this opportunity will still be blood siblings, which is just amazing. This is more than we could have ever hoped for! What a special form of adoption, very early on adoption ♥ My grandma said it perfectly, and I love her for that! It has brought us so much comfort..."the spirits of the babies that are meant to be yours, it doesn't matter what bodies they come into!" I just envision our children waiting in heaven and the angels saying, "Slight change of plans kiddos, your mommy and daddy can't have their own babies. So you're going to have to wait just a little bit longer for a different body. Not a big deal at all."

TWINS OR NOT TWINS? That is the question lol - Ultrasound results ♥

TWINS OR NOT TWINS? That is the question, lol...

Our hearts are so full they could pop! We have waited 8 long and very hard years to have it finally be OUR TURN to be in a room getting an ultrasound and sharing the wonderful news with everyone. I was so nervous last night, but today was better than we ever could have imagined! While they were not able to tell us for sure today if both embryos attached (insert big sad face here), we are so unbelievably grateful for the precious little one that we know for sure did! You could see that one very well on the screen and he/she measured perfectly. I will be 7 weeks on Monday, and my due date (for now) is October 12th. I thought I would bawl my eyes out today, what a wonderful experience. But I couldn't take my eyes off the screen long enough to think about crying, ha ha. We were glued. It was so exciting, I think I can finally let myself totally believe that I'm pregnant now. It was fun to see Blake so excited also! As we left he said, "well that made it much more real for me!". We get to go back in 2 weeks to see if it's twins or not. She said it could be a small blood pool from the placenta attaching (explains my spotting/light bleeding issues bc she found another small pool), but it was too far up to tell if it was that or if there's another little baby hiding up in there, so to not rule out 2. We will keep you updated, but won't know much for 2 weeks though. At first we heard "there's only one in here for sure", but then it turned into, "well actually I'm not 100% sure that there isn't another one up here!" STILL in limbo, ahhh! Ha ha. Our ultrasound tech also did fertility treatments and they ended up with twins. She said "if it ends up being twins, don't be scared. Just think, what's better than one baby?...TWO!" Thought she was cute. Anyways, here are some fun pictures from today though, even though they could never fully capture our excitement, love, and gratitude...because it's just too much! ♥ So very very thankful to our Father in heaven today! So happy to see a baby with a strong heart beat, and excited for our next appointment. I'm still on bed rest for another couple weeks, but my morning sickness (all day sickness more like ha ha) comes and goes now, that's better than 24/7! But I will gladly be sick because we are just so happy to be pregnant!! Thanks for all of your support!

Blueberries, maternity pants, and spaghetti sauce!

By the time we have our first ultrasound at the end of this week, the baby (or babies) will be about the size of a blueberry! So fun to think how much they grow in the first several weeks, amazing little things. At 7 weeks: they have a regular heartbeat, they're starting to look less like an alien baby, their little brainwaves can already be detected, their facial features are starting to form, and even though we can't feel it yet they're already starting to wiggle around! Below is a pic I found online of a baby at 7 weeks (parents.com), so crazy to think that we ALL looked like this at one point, the human body is a miracle! In this picture I especially love it's little arms and legs! They don't look like little paddles anymore.

I haven't gained a pound according to my scales (yay because I worked my butt off to lose those 35 lbs!) but I already can't fit into my favorite pair of jeans! My lower abdominal area is soo puffed out, so I already ordered some maternity pants ha ha. Only $18 a pair on Wal-Mart.com, brand is Planet Motherhood, and they're well made. The sizes run big, but they're freakishly comfortable!! I can't wait to wear them Friday for our ultrasound appointment, who cares if I'm wearing them before I'm almost 2 months along. No need to be miserable, I had to have my pants undone the whole drive home ha ha. Makes me wonder if there's more than 1 in there?! Or if these hormone injections that I still have to do til I'm 10 wks along are just making me extra puffy...

 I can't seem to get enough apple juice, water with lime wedges in it, peaches, and spaghetti sauce. It's crazy, I seriously could drink the spaghetti sauce! While I was at my grandparents and parents houses before coming home, I had spaghetti, or these little homemade gfdf pizzas we make, probably twice a day. It didn't matter if I had just thrown up, I wanted spaghetti. Anyone want to guess what is for for lunch today? Lol! I think it's neat though, my mom craved spaghetti with my last 3 siblings. We used to have spaghetti a few nights a week when I was little. I guess we know one thing for sure...I LOVE SPAGHETTI SAUCE! Prego brand to be exact, which makes me laugh! But the more robustly flavored ones I usually get don't settle very well. Kirkland marinara is really good too! And thank you to Grandma for sending home some of your bottled peaches with me, I think they're going to be gone in record time! :) YUMM.

For those who have asked, I am doing really good. I have only spotted/bled a total of like 3 days over the last few weeks. And it doesn't last very long. While it's still nerve racking, resting seems to be doing the trick. When I spotted I had been out shopping and doing errands, every time, so just taking it easy :) Thanks for all of your concern, love, and support! ♥

1st store run for hubby! - being pregnant is fun

Sent Blake on his first "pregnant wife run" and he did so good! Love this guy to pieces, he even came back with extras! A redbox he knew I wanted, new toys for the dog, and my beloved dairy free peach bars! I was so happy to see the peach bars that I could have cried! Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't ha ha.

Home sweet home, a little bed rest, and Valentine's Day! - so nice to be home

Got home yesterday afternoon, Slinky and I were so happy to see Blake!!! Feels like the whole treatment trip was just a dream. So fun to be home and pregnant! Traveling alone while pregnant and with a pet is not ideal though, ha ha. I'm exhausted to say the least, but Slinky was so good. I missed my hubby so bad, forgot how cute he is!! :) Also missed my comfy bed, squishy couch and Netflix. Blake surprised me with some beautiful flowers, a clean house, and he also had fun opening his baby gifts/Valentines from me. My sister spotted this onesie at Old Navy and Blake loved it. He loves anything motorcycles. If it's a girl, she can just wear a yellow headband, ha ha. We got some Chili's curbside to go and are going to watch a movie to celebrate Valentine's. What a fun and relaxing day, never thought I would be celebrating it pregnant!

  I'm on bed rest for a few weeks due to some spotting/light bleeding. Doctor said my HCG level is really high and to not worry, it's just better to be safe than sorry. Spotting is pretty common in the first trimester, so we have been trying to not stress, but it's so hard. Lots of changes going on in there, we are going to have to be patient. So nothing serious for now, but please keep us in your prayers :) 

We have our first ultrasound this coming Friday, we are SO excited!!! We have been waiting yearrrrrs to hear a little heart beat and to have sonogram pictures to hang on the fridge! Can't wait to see how many are in there! So very grateful to our donor couple! Without them we would not be here and would have lost all hope of ever having a family ♥ Never give up!

Final bloodwork is done! - can go home to my hubby!

Got my last round of blood work done for the fertility center today, hooray for that! My wallet (and arm veins) are very happy lol. Was so worried I would get my results and they'd say "sorry, your levels have gone down", but all is well! My HCG level went from 275 on the 2nd to 1,836 today :) She said they hoped it had made it's way toward 1,000, so we are more than good! What a relief, I can finally get home to my hubby. So excited to finally celebrate our exciting news with him IN PERSON (instead of on the phone!) and Valentine's Day. We have missed each other terribly. It will be the best Valentine's Day EVER! Hopefully I will feel good enough to venture out. If not, we can still rent some movies and lounge together at home, and enjoy the fact that
WE ARE GOING TO FINALLY BE PARENTS!

I had a few good days of not throwing up or feeling too nauseous, but I'm back at it and thrilled! I have never been so happy to feel so gross :) Hopefully all continues to go well! We can have our 7 and 9 week ultrasounds in the next few weeks, we're SO excited for those! This still all seems so surreal! I'm officially 5 weeks :)

Got to have a fun lunch with my grandparents and some of my sisters today after my appointment. I think I could live on french fries and honey mustard dressing! YUMMM. Old Navy was so fun, could spend a fortune on all the cute baby stuff I saw! Also, had the lab registration employees take a picture with me, I saw them more than anyone at the fertility clinic, ha ha. While I didn't like getting the blood work done every week, they both were so sweet to me and were really rooting for us!

Sesame seeds, heartbeats and potty breaks!

I read today that the baby is the size of a sesame seed! So itty bitty but it may already have a heartbeat, so amazing! It will grow more rapidly over the next few weeks, we are SO excited for our first ultrasound! My body already has an increased blood volumn and I make more trips to the bath room. I have been feeling icky still but am sleeping much better. We are still in shock, but it's getting more exciting! It feels so foreign to say "I'm pregnant". Hopefully my blood work will come back great again on Monday and I can relax some, ha ha :)

We have waited a very LONG time to say this!!!

Well we have waited 8 long and very hard years to announce this...

!!!!!WE ARE EXPECTING!!!!!

We got the amazing news yesterday afternoon and are still in TOTAL shock! So glad we didn't give up on our dreams and that we were blessed with these embryos. There are no words for how we feel or how grateful we are to our anonymous donor couple. I will give them the biggest and longest hug someday in heaven ♥ We love these people  even though we will never know them. They so selflessly donated their embryos because their family was complete, and it just melts our hearts and souls. They gave the gift of life and family to US, who have have struggled so badly, and wouldn't have had it otherwise. We are already in love with this little baby (or babies)!

When the girl from the clinic called and said, "well congratulations, you're pregnant!", I laughed out loud and said "I am?!! Oh my gosh! I have waited so long to hear those words!" Then I cried and couldn't talk, ha ha. I called Blake at work because I couldn't wait til he got off! He's not allowed to be on his cell phone at work but luckily he happened to be at his desk! He said, "so what's the news?!" I said, "I just wanted to tell you that you're going to be a daddy! It worked!" He was so happy but in shock and said "it did!?!" Ha ha.

A positive pregnancy test (Beta-HCG) level is 80 - 100, and mine was 275! Doesn't necessarily mean that there's more than one but it could be possible since we transferred 2 :) I'm officially 4.5 weeks, and we can find out how many are in there in a couple of weeks at our first ultrasound! Maybe then we will finally believe that we are really having a baby, lol. For those wondering how I'm already that far along...as soon as they implant, you're considered 3 weeks instantly. We got to skip the ovulation, fertilization, travelling down the fallopian tube, etc!

I started throwing up only 4 days after the transfer ha ha, and the clinic couldn't believe I was sick already and said I just had to have gotten the flu. But no! I'm sick because of a sweet baby (or babies!). Very nauseous, horrid heartburn, throwing up, bloated...all happily welcomed! We have waited SOO long for this! We were going to wait to announce until next week because I still have to do my blood work again to make sure my levels are rising as they should, but we are SOO excited! 
Hopefully all continues to go well, stay in there little baby (babies)! Thanks for all your support!

!!!HOORAY FOR EMBRYO ADOPTION!!!

You still in there? - hang on little babies!

YOU STILL IN THERE?

I'm not going to pretend that everyday of this treatment process is perfect and exciting, this is real life after all, ha ha. It's ok to be scared though. That's what Heavenly Father is there for, to comfort us in times of great need. We just have to trust in him as much as we can and have faith in HIS plan for us. I have been feeling super sick from my shots and new pills this last week :'( And also kinda down about things the last couple of days. Not sure why. Probably just fearing that the embryos have made their escape, ha ha, but trying really hard to stay positive. Been praying extra to be at peace. I love the power of prayer! I think it's just getting harder because we will find out that it worked or that it didn't. It's not fun having no control over anything. And I miss Blake super bad!!! I want to hug him so bad right now! We knew this would be somewhat of a rollercoaster ride though.

But all I have to do to cheer myself up is talk to my hubby and read my very first blog posts about our story and I am reminded of how just how extremely lucky we are! No waiting list, received a lot of healthy embryos from our donor couple, and the fact that this all started because of a dream...is just a MIRACLE! But it's just so easy to let tiny little thoughts of doubt creep into your mind. We are human. It's just extra challenging when you have ached for something so badly for so many years. I found a couple of scriptures that brought my mind some peace: John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Proverbs 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Feeling better today! :)

Before we left on transfer day, my doctor said to me "think sticky thoughts because the embryos are very sticky, so don't worry about them just falling out!" So glad she said that, it has helped us a ton, ha ha. Please keep us in your prayers!

HANG ON LITTLE BABIES!!!

Fun facts about embryos and transfers! - such amazing little things!

At what stage are embryos frozen?
Embryos may be frozen at any stage of development between 1 and 6 days.

How long does it take for embryos to thaw?
Embryos thaw to room temperature within less than a minute or two after being removed from cryostorage, but the entire thaw process takes about 40 minutes before the embryo is ready for transfer or further incubation.

How does the thawing process work?
The embryos are removed from their canister and brought to room temperature.  In a reversal of the preparation process for freezing, the cryoprotectant is gradually removed and replaced with water by incubating the embryos in increasingly dilute solutions, each containing more water and less cryoprotectant. Again, the embryo may burst when water rushes into the cells, so this process is carefully controlled. Then the embryo is brought to body temperature and transferred or is placed into culture medium in an incubator until transfer.  Embryos are normally reevaluated before transfer.

How long can embryos be frozen and still be viable?
Theoretically, embryos may be frozen indefinitely, as no biological activity takes place during cryopreservation.  In practice, it is unknown how long they can remain viable.  The first frozen embryo transfers resulting in live birth took place in the mid-eighties.  Since then, embryos frozen as long as 12 years have resulted in successful pregnancy.  Freezing and thawing protocols continue to improve, making it possible that embryos frozen more recently may have better outcomes.

More pictures from our transfer trip! - Family and old friends ♥

Was SO FUN to get to see a few of our friends and family on our trip! We missed out on seeing lots of others because I'm not allowed to be around anyone even remotely sick. But it was still fun! Thanks for the yummy dinners Delanie and Todd, and thanks for meeting us at Dairy Queen Kim and Danny!

Was quite cold while we were there too, I froze mom out because these hormones make me so dang hot! :( My face is constantly beet red, especially right after a shot. It was 30 something degrees outside and I had the air conditioning on in the car on the way back, lol. Mom was a trooper though and fibbed that she wasn't totally freezing, even though she was ♥

Our room was nice and pretty quiet. Never had a cleaner hotel room, thank you La Quinta! Again, I loved the view from our window!

Bed rest! - enjoying some couch potato time with my Momma!

Today has been good! Don't feel any different, just enjoying my down time :) Mom makes/gets my food, the hotel makes my bed and cleans, I can be in my comfy jammies 24/7, and I don't have to do my hair or make up...I could get used to this! Now if my sides would just quit hurting so bad from these shots so I could actually sleep, lol! More than happy to torture myself though, stay in there babies! This area is just beautiful though, we have an awesome view of the big snowy mountains from our room.

THE BIG DAY! - the buns are in the oven!

THE BIG DAY!!!

The doctor transferred 2 of our little snowflakes this afternoon ♥ Here are some fun pictures from today! What a REALLY neat experience. It felt very different than I imagined. Mom even got to be in the room with me! We got to laugh and cry together. Not many parents get to watch their grandbabies being dropped into their daughter's uterus, lol! ;) We never thought in a million years that I would ever have 2 little embryos inside of me! Pregnancy just was just something that Blake and I had dreamed about years ago and were going to be robbed of, as unfair as it was. I can't describe to you in words how I feel today, tears of joy overcame me this morning before I even got out of bed. So grateful to our heavenly father and to our selfless donor couple for giving us this opportunity. In our opinion, we were finally made parents today! Even if they don't implant, I had 2 precious little souls in me, if only for a short while. But the doctors have high hopes and everything went really really well! It doesn't make sense, but I felt no stress yesterday as we travelled and last night as we went to bed. I thought I would be a total mess! And only felt gratitude and excitement today. I know it's from all of your prayers and good vibes :) We literally can feel them lifting our spirits.

The whole procedure only took about 30 minutes! And the embryos were thawed just this morning, which we found very interesting. Mom and I were able to meet with the staff and go over their quality before the transfer. They both thawed well and are the same quality as when they were frozen, what a relief!! There is sometimes a 5 to 15% chance that they may not thaw as well, and may not even be usable for the transfer. Huge relief that we didn't lose any of our precious snowflakes today!

Below are the actual embryos that were transferred, thought it was so neat to get pictures!! I don't know how anyone can say they aren't "babies" yet, we are already in love. What precious little miracles! Not many can say they have pictures of their kids at this age, he he! :) They're only a few cells old. We will let you know the pregnancy test results as soon as we are able, will be at least a couple of weeks though. For now, it is at least 2 days of bed rest. I plan on more, and possibly some hanging upside down, ha ha! ;)

A BIG THANKS to my mom for coming to this important appointment with me! We've had so much fun! I don't care what anyone says, I HAVE THE BEST PARENTS! They have been so supportive these past 8 years with absolutely everything, and have also assisted us financially to help make this opportunity possible ♥ While it is cheaper than IVF, it still isn't cheap by any means. Hopefully we can finally give them some dang grandkids, lol.

Thanks for all of your support, prayers, and sweet comments throughout this process! Please pray that we will be able to stay sane until the pregnancy test, ha ha!!! Talk about nerve racking...stay in there little babies! Hopefully we will join the baby wall soon at the doctor's office, lots of twins and triplets on there! :)