Thank you's! & A great book!

Thank you to those that have sent us tender messages of hope and encouragement. It's times like these that you find out who truly cares about you. Many can be supportive when things are great and happy and wonderful, because that's easy. But few stick around to make sure you're ok when things get tough, ugly, and hard to hear or talk about.

Thanks to all who have expressed your sorrow, and to those who went the extra mile and have brought by food, mailed goodies, flowers, made gifts, and other fun things. Nothing makes our days more bright! Thank you for your generosity. We will always remember and cherish your support during this sad time. It's not easy, or sometimes very comfortable, to comfort those in need. It's hard to know what to say or do, because you know nothing can change what happened or take away the pain. But THANK YOU for just being there! Some days are better than others, but we love that you (you guys know who you are!) manage to text or message us at just the right moments. You are inspired, and make this more bearable, thank you...

And lastly, but certainly not least, thanks so much to our sweet friend, Brooke, who recommended the book "Gone too Soon - The life and loss of infants and unborn children". What a tear jerker, but it is helping us so much. Thanks Brooke! I highly recommend this book to anyone. Whether it's someone close to you that has experienced the loss of a child by miscarriage, still born, infant death...or if it was you yourself...get this book! It's so greatly and sweetly written...with TONS of tips on the grieving process, how to cope, when to try again (because that's a very personal and important decision, everyone is different), how to avoid being bitter, how to not feel guilt, and why to be patient with those who aren't so great at expressing their condolences, or don't express them at all. We have taken away many positive and helpful things from this book.

Photo credit: Google images

"A person's a person, no matter how small!" - Dr. Seuss

This blog had become such a thing of happiness, hope, and excitement. It seems, I guess "wrong" is the word I'm looking for, to post more sadness on it. The blog was supposed to be turned into a book for a fun keepsake for our baby or babies. It was definitely NOT supposed to have posts about miscarrying, pain, loss, and more heart breaking trials. However, that is all part of this life I guess. We are here to experience love, sadness, etc. It's what we signed up for in heaven, even though sometimes we think, why on earth would we have agreed to THIS?! We can often feel that we're pretty sure there has been a big mistake. And after our 8 years of suffering with infertility, we know by now that life itself, and dealing with the obstacles of trying to start a family, can be such a roller coaster ride and often very unfair.

The loss of a child, no matter at what stage in the pregnancy, is absolutely devastating. Especially when suffering with infertility for so long. So many though write off early miscarriages as not that big of deals. This infuriates us. Insensitive people say things like: "well at least it wasn't a REAL baby yet"..."at least you didn't bond with it yet"..."at least you didn't miscarry later on or have a still born, that's so much worse that THIS"..."obviously it just wasn't meant to be"..."at least you didn't have to experience the pains of labor"..."it's just nature's way of taking care of the weak and deformed"..."well you can just have another baby soon can't you?", etc. While no one has said any of these horrible things to us yet, we know it will eventually happen one day. And sadly others have had to endure these comments. Have been reading a lot of online posts and am horrified by the things people say to others. Unfortunately, not everyone out there is sensitive and tactful. 

To all of those out there who say awful and hurtful things like this to grieving parents though, we say back...

YES, it was VERY MUCH a baby already. Even though our baby wasn't quite an inch long yet, it still had a heart beat, detectable brain waves, arms, legs, a little body, forming organs and facial features, etc. It was on it's way to becoming just like you and me before something went wrong. Just because all babies don't get to have a funeral or memorial service, or weren't as big as you deem worthy to be called "a real baby", it was still OUR baby and it's gone. The size and weight of our baby doesn't lessen the pain, and we still experienced a loss. One that will effect us forever.

YES, I had to take labor inducing meds and experience the most pain I've ever been in physically, because my body didn't want to let the pregnancy go naturally. I still had to endure painful contractions for several hours, but got no baby out of it. And, just because the father didn't experience any physical pain from a miscarriage, his heart is still shattered, and he loved the baby too. So many forget to ask the fathers how THEY are holding up. A great book we are reading has a section on that, very important.

YES, while we are grateful that something went wrong sooner rather than later, because having a still born or experiencing an infant death is a completely different devastation and kind of suffering, we are still hurting and are heart broken. We will always long for what could have been...what he or she would have looked like? How many grand kids would they have given us? What career path would they have chosen? And what kind of person would he or she have been? 

YES, we were already bonding with this baby...talking about how to arrange it's nursery, thinking about it's future, and our future with him or her, etc. I found myself already saying, "what should we have for lunch today baby?"..."ok, let's go potty AGAIN baby"..."can't wait to see you on the ultrasound screen again baby". The bonding of mother and child starts very early on for most women. I've never wanted to be a fancy business woman, famous singer, super model, or athlete...I've always wanted to be a mother. To be able to stay at home, and love and nurture my babies. Hopefully our next treatment will bless us with a healthy baby and we can finally achieve our dream of parenthood. 

A GIANT thank you to my sweet cousin, Carolyn, who has said the most comforting thing of all to us....

"A PERSON'S A PERSON, NO MATTER HOW SMALL!" 
Dr. Seuss

We know our sweet little angel baby boy, or girl, is watching over us from heaven! We are so grateful to have been it's earthly parents, even if it was only for a short while. We WILL see him or her again. My baby sister said it best..."what better babysitter could you ask for than our Heavenly Father?!"

photo credit: Google images

"God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles, and a reward for your faithfulness. Don't give up!" - Unknown

As I have thought about posting something over the past couple of weeks, it was just too hard. I could not bring myself to do it. And I honestly didn't even know what to say. Seriously, not a clue. Nothing came to mind except more tears. At first our brains felt as if they were in a thick fog, and we were numb. There have been days that have just completely flown by in what seems like only a few short hours. We seriously feel like we don't know what we did some days. I'm still in pain physically, so I can't do that much, but we are like...did we really watch that much tv?! Did we really cry for that long?! Where did the time go?! Did I just sit there and stare at the wall for hours?! It's so odd, the world around you feels so weird sometimes when you're grieving. We remember some of these awful feelings from when we experienced our failed IVF cycle several years ago. At least this time we are blessed with additional embryos, so not all hope feels lost this time around! It's really the only thing getting us through, besides each other, and the support of family and friends. And at least we now know that I can get pregnant, we weren't sure if I could. Nothing said I couldn't, but we hadn't had any luck in the past either. But, we are so bummed to be back to being heart broken. It took us YEARS to get out of our IVF depression slump. I could finally look at the baby section in department stores without bursting into tears! Now we are back to square one. Not a fun place to be. Our hearts hurt so bad. It all seemed like a bad dream the first few days, a bad and foggy dream. We were just so shocked because as far as we knew, things were going great. We were the happiest we had EVER been. Then a few days later, the shock of our bad news started to wear off. Which in our opinion, is the worst part of all (besides the actual miscarriage itself). You have to figure out how you're going to deal with your mountain of pain. And it is a strong pain, very different than any other we have felt before. It can't be ignored, and can feel so overwhelming. It would be so nice if you could make yourself think that nothing happened, and you could just move on immediately. But unfortunately, that isn't how it works. Eventually you get through the mourning process, which is different for everyone, but we know there will always be a part of us that will never fully recover. Many years from now, I know we will still cry over this loss, because that baby was loved so much already. We think the two things that make this the most hard to deal with, is that we had tried for SO long, and were finally given a baby, but only for a short while. EIGHT years is a very long time to wait for a baby and not get to keep it! And secondly, that we had finally let ourselves get totally excited just before things took a turn for the worst. In the beginning, we were just so surprised that the treatment actually worked, that finally being pregnant took a little bit to sink in. Only several short weeks later it was ripped away from us unexpectedly.

But if we have gotten through everything else that we were dealt over the last nine and a half years, I think we can get through this, and that our marriage will be strengthened all the more because of it!! One of our bishops from a few years back was shocked to hear everything that we've been through. It could always be worse, but he said most people don't go through everything that we have in their whole life time. We had it rough from the very beginning it feels like: previous abusive relationships/family members...when we were dating and trying to get married, certain individuals didn't approve of me, so we had to wait a year after getting married civilly to finally be sealed in the temple...found out we couldn't have kids...we lost jobs when the economy tanked...had a failed Clomid, and then IVF cycle...lost our home and a car...dealt with years of infertility... suffered for years with misdiagnosed health issues, and depression...and so on. He said he was so proud of us for not losing our faith, and that most who struggle so badly end up turning away from God completely.  He said that we had done everything right even though it wasn't easy and others didn't agree with us, that we were a great team, and that we could be proud of our choices and who we were. We often remember that conversation with him, and draw strength from it. He said we were meant to be or things wouldn't be so hard. He thought we are one of the few truly happy couples out there, and that we can take anything thrown at us. We will forever be grateful for his uplifting words! Like I said, it could ALWAYS be worse. But these have been some of our life trials. Life is NOT easy for anyone, in just one way or many. Through it all though, I can say without a doubt that I love my husband and am still so grateful that we met that day in the singles ward. Wouldn't change a thing (even though some things might be nice changed!), because that'd mean we would be different people today. Trials really do strengthen you, especially as a couple, if you just let them. Trials can bond you, or destroy you. And strengthen your testimony, or break it. Blake means more to me than I could ever say. He is my best friend, personal in-house comedian, and random facts knower. He has the kindest heart, cutest personality, and is nice to everyone, even to people who hurt him. His love, support, and open arms have been the only things getting me through the days lately. He just hugs me and let's me cry, sometimes that's just what you need to do. It's heart breaking to see him so sad also, but we are grateful we have each other to lean on. Each day that goes by is a tiny bit better, hoping time will make our hearts not ache as bad.

We know that even though it seems like the exact opposite right now, we WILL be rewarded for our faithfulness some day. I know that for a fact. I am so grateful for the gospel in our lives, and for the knowledge that families can be together forever. We ARE sealed to our angel baby for all time. We hope this blog will give strength and comfort to those suffering from infertility, miscarriages, and other life struggles. We don't have to be enduring the same struggles to be there for each other. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If our blog tells you anything, we hope it's that! Don't give up! 

LOVE LOVE LOVE this quote, felt like we should share it ♥

photo credit: facebook

Over 10,000 views, you guys rock! - Thanks to all ♥

We cannot believe that our blog has over 10,000 views! We know a lot are returning family and friends, but we don't know THIS many people! The blog has a stats section that only we can see. It tells us how many views per day and per post, what devices our blog is viewed on, what countries are viewing it, etc. We hope that this blog is not only fun for you update wise, but that it's also helping and reaching others who struggle with infertility, miscarriages, and also increasing Embryo Donation/Adoption awareness!

Although our first pregnancy wasn't successful, Embryo Adoption has been a HUGE blessing to us. We appreciate your love and support so much, during the good and now very sad times. Nothing makes our day more happy than seeing all of your uplifting comments and so many views. While we are hurting, we get great comfort from our remaining snowflakes. Our fertility doctor expressed her sadness to us yesterday, and said they would be great babysitters to the embryos still waiting for us :) Thought that was so sweet. So blessed to have extra snowflakes. If we didn't have them, we would be even bigger messes, and all hope would seem lost. Thanks so much for your support.

Our blog has been viewed by the following countries...total awesomeness!
Thank you for following us!

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photo credit: google.com

Our hearts are breaking, but we are so grateful that families are forever ♥

We had a follow up appointment this afternoon, and unfortunately the baby no longer has a heart beat. We had a sinking feeling that something wasn't right when our last ultrasound went how it did, but we were trying to stay positive. My doctor wanted to do another ultrasound just to make sure, and I wasn't completely convinced anyways. I have had no bleeding, cramps, etc. But the fertility meds mimic a lot of the pregnancy symptoms, so it would have been hard to tell anyways. But there is no doubt about it, we won't be welcoming a little one in October. We are beyond devastated and it all feels like a nightmare that we can't wake up from. One minute we are like what just happened, and the next we are sobbing. But we are so grateful for our church, our father in heaven, and the knowledge that families are forever. That sweet baby is waiting for us in heaven, and knows how much it was already loved. 

Apparently the baby's heart beat was kind of low at the 7 week appt a couple of weeks ago. They normally like to see it around 170 and it was at 117. We didn't know that until today though, but that isn't always a bad sign they said. We honestly are grateful that we weren't aware of the semi low heart beat because it would have just been all the more stressful the past couple weeks. The doctor said my uterus and the placenta all looked great, but that the baby just quit progressing shortly after our first ultrasound for some reason. These things happen, and they can't be explained.

Thank you so much for all of the kind comments, we really appreciate your support. This blog has been very therapeutic for me. Even now. I am so grateful that Blake was able to leave work today and come with me, it would have been awful to go alone. I am so grateful for him, his love for me, and for his tender heart. He is such a comfort, and at least we still have each other. We grew so much as a couple over the last 8 years through our struggles. This isn't our first treatment heart break, however it is very different from our failed IVF cycle several years ago. It will take time to heal all the same though.

We are going to take a breather for a bit, and try the treatment again later this year hopefully. We are extremely lucky and have several embryos left. So very grateful for our donor couple. Although things didn't turn out how we had hoped, it was still very special for us to finally hear that we were expecting. Those are the best words ever. This came out of nowhere and we were expecting to hear today that it was twins, but we are still so very grateful for the opportunity to have experienced this pregnancy. Even if it was only for several weeks, it was the happiest several weeks of our lives.

Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks so much again for all of your support.

So disappointing!! - Your "company policies" SUCK

Sadly, today did not go as planned!

So disappointed! Last time we got to see everything...she totally took her time, let us see how the baby measured, showed us the heart beat, amniotic sac, my uterus and ovary measurements, gave us pictures to take home, etc. All she did today was rush through it at mach speed, I think my lower half actually has whip lash! We got zero pictures, didn't get to see baby's heart beat or get a rate per minute (for the fertility center's files), and no word on how many are in there. She wouldn't even turn the screen. I was so mad and sad that I almost burst into tears in the imaging room, ha ha. The last 2 weeks drugg by, we were so excited. She said "your doctor's office is going to have to confirm everything with you, and they're all gone for the day it looks like, I'm so sorry." REALLY, at 2:15pm?! We have been waiting 8 years to have a baby people, so now we just get to stress all weekend?? Blink twice for twins, touch your nose for 1, cough if something is not right...anything!! She totally gave us the impression last week that we would for sure know today how many babies, that's why we are like what the heck. So now we have to wait til Monday (which is 8,000 years from now by the way!) for my OB's office to call with the results, because "company policy" prohibits her from telling us anything. Well it didn't prohibit you at all last appointment, but whatever! I understand you might get fired if you do or say something that's a big no no, and we don't want that, but why was our last visit so different from today? It was the same person! So, unfortunately we know nothing, STILL. Limbo, the story of our lives. Someone better be calling me on Monday or I will kill somebody. The only words she uttered today were "well I see something as plain as day." That was it. Seriously?! So we are left wondering if something is wrong, if there really is more than one in there, if she was just extra weird today for no good reason and there's only one in there, or if all is fine. I know I'm a big worry wort by nature (and genetics, dad and I call each other Debbie, Debbie Downer ha ha), but she was just so weird today and kicked us right out! Hoping for the best and trying not to stress. My sister reminded me that Mondays are good luck anyways, that's the day of the week that we found out that I was pregnant, and also the days that my blood work always came back great during the treatment! Thanks baby sissy ☺ I made a cute sign for today and everything, still so bummed. We will let you know what we find out on Monday. To top it all off, if all went good today, the fertility center said I could have stopped my meds! Such a disappointment, because I'm in a lot of pain from all of these dang injections. Here is my sad face lol...

Our first baby! ♥ - cutest picture ever

I thought our first child, our little furry baby, deserved a post of his very own! He is the cutest, smartest, most loving, and most energetic 10 year old weeniedog around! We love him to pieces and don't know what we'd do without him. He has gotten us through so many hard years, and he means the world to us.

He always knows when we've had a rough day... he cuddles and licks me when I cry, and lays by us when we're sick. He is hilarious, spunky, super speedy, playful, truly thinks he's a person, loves his toys, blankies, Nylabones, treats, and tennis balls. He will harass you if you have cheese, oranges, apples, or watermelon, and can hear food wrappers from a mile away!

He loves everyone after he gets used to them, but my dad and Blake are his two favorite people in the whole world! He lets me cuddle him and talk baby talk to him as long as Blake isn't in the room, ha ha. Boys will be boys. He loves kisses on top of his head, and falls asleep when my sister gives him massages. He hates his Halloween costumes but still wears them and let's me take pictures. He hates rain and really hates thunder. He whimpers by the door when Blake leaves for work, and sometimes sits on Blake's shoes so he can't leave, ha ha.

He has the most expressive little eyes and eyebrows. He was an unruly and too smart for his own good puppy, but has mellowed out over the last few years and loves to cuddle. He only pretends to hate baths, but loves being scrubbed, wrapped up like a baby, and dried off! He likes to huff and puff in his bed when he's bored, and zooms around the house like a mad man when he's excited.

 We can't wait to see what he thinks of a new baby or two! We didn't know if he was going to still be around when we finally were able to start a family, we're so glad he's so healthy! His hearing, smell, and eyesight are starting to go a little, but he hardly has any gray fur. This little guy is truly part of our family ♥ We love you Slinky!

(and yes, I got him when Toy Story was popular...)

He's been reading up...is he not the cutest thing ever?! ☺