"God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles, and a reward for your faithfulness. Don't give up!" - Unknown

As I have thought about posting something over the past couple of weeks, it was just too hard. I could not bring myself to do it. And I honestly didn't even know what to say. Seriously, not a clue. Nothing came to mind except more tears. At first our brains felt as if they were in a thick fog, and we were numb. There have been days that have just completely flown by in what seems like only a few short hours. We seriously feel like we don't know what we did some days. I'm still in pain physically, so I can't do that much, but we are like...did we really watch that much tv?! Did we really cry for that long?! Where did the time go?! Did I just sit there and stare at the wall for hours?! It's so odd, the world around you feels so weird sometimes when you're grieving. We remember some of these awful feelings from when we experienced our failed IVF cycle several years ago. At least this time we are blessed with additional embryos, so not all hope feels lost this time around! It's really the only thing getting us through, besides each other, and the support of family and friends. And at least we now know that I can get pregnant, we weren't sure if I could. Nothing said I couldn't, but we hadn't had any luck in the past either. But, we are so bummed to be back to being heart broken. It took us YEARS to get out of our IVF depression slump. I could finally look at the baby section in department stores without bursting into tears! Now we are back to square one. Not a fun place to be. Our hearts hurt so bad. It all seemed like a bad dream the first few days, a bad and foggy dream. We were just so shocked because as far as we knew, things were going great. We were the happiest we had EVER been. Then a few days later, the shock of our bad news started to wear off. Which in our opinion, is the worst part of all (besides the actual miscarriage itself). You have to figure out how you're going to deal with your mountain of pain. And it is a strong pain, very different than any other we have felt before. It can't be ignored, and can feel so overwhelming. It would be so nice if you could make yourself think that nothing happened, and you could just move on immediately. But unfortunately, that isn't how it works. Eventually you get through the mourning process, which is different for everyone, but we know there will always be a part of us that will never fully recover. Many years from now, I know we will still cry over this loss, because that baby was loved so much already. We think the two things that make this the most hard to deal with, is that we had tried for SO long, and were finally given a baby, but only for a short while. EIGHT years is a very long time to wait for a baby and not get to keep it! And secondly, that we had finally let ourselves get totally excited just before things took a turn for the worst. In the beginning, we were just so surprised that the treatment actually worked, that finally being pregnant took a little bit to sink in. Only several short weeks later it was ripped away from us unexpectedly.

But if we have gotten through everything else that we were dealt over the last nine and a half years, I think we can get through this, and that our marriage will be strengthened all the more because of it!! One of our bishops from a few years back was shocked to hear everything that we've been through. It could always be worse, but he said most people don't go through everything that we have in their whole life time. We had it rough from the very beginning it feels like: previous abusive relationships/family members...when we were dating and trying to get married, certain individuals didn't approve of me, so we had to wait a year after getting married civilly to finally be sealed in the temple...found out we couldn't have kids...we lost jobs when the economy tanked...had a failed Clomid, and then IVF cycle...lost our home and a car...dealt with years of infertility... suffered for years with misdiagnosed health issues, and depression...and so on. He said he was so proud of us for not losing our faith, and that most who struggle so badly end up turning away from God completely.  He said that we had done everything right even though it wasn't easy and others didn't agree with us, that we were a great team, and that we could be proud of our choices and who we were. We often remember that conversation with him, and draw strength from it. He said we were meant to be or things wouldn't be so hard. He thought we are one of the few truly happy couples out there, and that we can take anything thrown at us. We will forever be grateful for his uplifting words! Like I said, it could ALWAYS be worse. But these have been some of our life trials. Life is NOT easy for anyone, in just one way or many. Through it all though, I can say without a doubt that I love my husband and am still so grateful that we met that day in the singles ward. Wouldn't change a thing (even though some things might be nice changed!), because that'd mean we would be different people today. Trials really do strengthen you, especially as a couple, if you just let them. Trials can bond you, or destroy you. And strengthen your testimony, or break it. Blake means more to me than I could ever say. He is my best friend, personal in-house comedian, and random facts knower. He has the kindest heart, cutest personality, and is nice to everyone, even to people who hurt him. His love, support, and open arms have been the only things getting me through the days lately. He just hugs me and let's me cry, sometimes that's just what you need to do. It's heart breaking to see him so sad also, but we are grateful we have each other to lean on. Each day that goes by is a tiny bit better, hoping time will make our hearts not ache as bad.

We know that even though it seems like the exact opposite right now, we WILL be rewarded for our faithfulness some day. I know that for a fact. I am so grateful for the gospel in our lives, and for the knowledge that families can be together forever. We ARE sealed to our angel baby for all time. We hope this blog will give strength and comfort to those suffering from infertility, miscarriages, and other life struggles. We don't have to be enduring the same struggles to be there for each other. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If our blog tells you anything, we hope it's that! Don't give up! 

LOVE LOVE LOVE this quote, felt like we should share it ♥

photo credit: facebook