An angel & A name

It breaks my heart to add another Willow Tree Angel to our little family, but I am grateful that families are forever! We will miss you angel baby Caelan Shay. You were very wanted and will be very missed. Cameron and Claire would have absolutely loved you, fussed over you, and argued over who got to hold and help out with you. This breaks my heart the most. The twins absolutely adore babies. We hope you are keeping Cannon company in heaven ❤

We apparently love C names, ha ha! Thanks to my brother in law for the name idea. We love it! And I have always loved the name Shay, for a boy or girl. So we thought Caelan Shay was perfect for the little one we lost way too soon. 

Thanks to everyone for all of your love, support, prayers, positive vibes, and well wishes throughout this treatment, and past ones! It is such a relief to be finally be DONE. We are so very blessed to have received these donor embryos. We are unbelievably grateful for our beautiful twins, and for the opportunity to experience pregnancy and parenthood. WE CONQUERED INFERTILITY!!!

Not good news - Follow up ultrasound & A near accident

Well, sadly it was not good news today 😭 The gestational sac was still completely empty. No baby. I had a feeling this was the case. I was trying to stay positive but I was 90% sure there wasn't a tiny person in there anymore. The doctor told me that with these pregnancies, once the embryo implants, the inner cells that are the baby quit developing/don't form properly at some point, but the outer cells continue developing, basically mimicking a healthy pregnancy. He said that I likely haven't miscarried on my own yet because I am still on the progesterone injections and estrogen pills. Not looking forward to that part! But it is quite a comfort to finally know what is going on. We HATE being in limbo and not knowing what is happening. This last week has been absolute torture. 

I think I am mostly struggling at the moment because I am relieved about a lot of things that were concerning me. I feel guilty for that and can't help it. Blake said the same. The twins had bad reactions to their immunizations as infants (we think Claire suffered silent seizures, among many other things between the two of them), they both were badly tongue and lip tied and those had to be corrected (Cam suffered severe feeding issues due to this), I was worried about finding a doctor who would be into my new hippie ways ha ha, I was really worried about pre-eclampsia, bed rest and early labor again (especially since we have kiddos this time around), and Blake has been really worried about something bad happening to me during this pregnancy. So, maybe it was really a blessing in disguise? We are still mourning the loss of what we could have had, but trying to find comfort in the situation.

On the way to our appt today the freeway was closed due to a bad accident. So we had to go another route. Just as Blake was about to switch lanes to be in the correct lane to exit for our other route, he decided to not get over. I said the traffic was stopping too quickly ahead and this van coming up along side us was going way to fast. So we stayed in our lane. Well, that van kept coming, and coming. It never stopped, never braked. It plowed right into the back of a stopped pick up truck in the stopped traffic. The van's air bags went off and they flew off into the desert, eventually coming to a stop. The truck they hit spun around and across the lane right in front of us (luckily Blake was able to stop in time to avoid hitting them), and they went over into the emergency lane onto the opposite side of the road. Super scary!! I am so very grateful that we did not change lanes today, as it would have been us that the van would have plowed into the back of. I was very upset and my heart was beating like crazy. I very much hope that everyone was ok, it looked like the truck that got hit by the van had a few middle school aged kids in the back seat. The bed of the truck was badly crumpled. The mom flung her door open and raced around the back of the truck to check on her kids who were obviously in distress. I can't help but think of how differently our day could have gone. Someone was definitely watching out for us this week...when Blake hit the deer, another time in Vegas on the freeway when two people tried to cut us off at the same time and nearly smacked into each other right in front of us, and again today. So, today could have been a lot worse!! 

We are EXTRA grateful for our beautiful little Cam and Claire tonight!!! Claire was quite concerned when I came walking up to the car crying today after my appt (I tried hard to hold it in so I wouldn't upset them but it just wasn't happenin), but I assured her that my tummy would be getting much better soon and she didn't need to worry about my puking anymore or my sad tears. She was so happy and relieved when I quit crying. I am SO glad that we decided to wait to tell them until we knew if everything was ok for sure or not. Now their little hearts won't be crushed or confused. I am heart broken about the fun little surprise party I was planning for them that we won't get to throw now. But they are such beautiful, funny, smart, precious, and fun little blessings! I absolutely cannot imagine our life without them. We are so blessed to have received these donor embryos, and have been so lucky to get these two. Plus, we now have two angel babies waiting for us!

Please keep us in your prayers! We plan on naming this angel baby as well, doing a Christmas tree ornament for it like we did for angel baby Cannon, and getting another Willow Tree angel figurine for our Willow Tree family ❤ Helps the heart to move on a little easier. Thanks for all of your love and support!

3 more days! - Struggling to stay positive

So, I am not gonna lie...I have been a MESS since our ultrasound on Monday. Is there a baby in there?! Isn't there?! Who knows. I HATE being in limbo, it is the absolute worst. Plus, it just isn't very heart warming to see an empty gestational sac on the screen. Especially after you've been super sick and thinking all had to be fine and dandy. I was expecting to see more than 1 baby on that screen, definitely not 0. I really, really hope that it was just too early! I have read many stories online about women who saw empty sacs at the 6/7 week mark, but when they went back a few days to a week later there was a baby and a yolk sac suddenly visible. If we still see nothing on Monday we'll know it is for sure a blighted ovum pregnancy. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's when the baby stops forming at some point and the gestational sac keeps growing and the hcg keeps rising as if the pregnancy is normal. But it only goes on to a certain point. Most women miscarry with blighted ovum pregnancies between 4 and 7 weeks. Some go as long as 10 weeks. 

These 2 embryos were saved at the twin's transfer, refroze well, thawed awesomely, and were half hatched at the transfer. I am honestly surprised they both didn't take! All of it just worked out so well, so I will be very confused if this doesn't work out. I will definitely be having some words and many questions with/for God if it doesn't. Please continue to keep us in your prayers! I am heart broken we weren't able to tell the twins our exciting news. And I'm terrified we'll never get to. Their reactions would be so funny and precious I think. I hope we can stay sane until Monday. Going to have Blake give me a blessing tonight for comfort. I am really trying to keep the faith, but it has been so very hard. Thanks to those who have messaged, are thinking of us, praying for us, and sending us happy thoughts! We can feel your love ❤

A crazy 24 hrs! - An ultrasound & A deer

Well, it hasn't been a great 24 hrs. Blake was on his way to Utah last night so he could be there for the ultrasound and a deer ran right out in front of him. Our car is pretty sad looking, but I am just so grateful it kept running and he is ok! It was a big doe and easily could have come through the windshield and hurt him badly. He was about 30 minutes later than he should have been and I had a feeling something was wrong and couldn't sleep. We weren't able to reach him so I was relieved when he showed up. But then I saw the car. I was like, "Did you hit a deer? Are you ok!?" It was a huge blessing the car wasn't damaged more, it was quite cold out and would have really sucked to have been stranded. 

Anyways, we aren't sure what to make of our ultrasound today. I am so very bummed. The gestational sac measured at 5 wks 4 days (I'm 6 wks 3 days), so they said it is still within a week of the transfer so that's ok. It must have just implanted a little later. It just unfortunately was hard to see anything today. They think they saw a yolk sac but we'll be more certain next Monday. There were no bleeds, the sac looked healthy, my hcg is now 22,000 something and my progesterone is still good. So we are trying to remain hopeful! The light bleeding is likely due to my cervix being irritated. But, sadly there is a chance it could be a Blighted Ovum and no longer any baby. We are praying hard that isn't the case! Please keep us in your prayers, as I am going to be going INSANE until our next ultrasound 😭

1 more day!

Only 1 more day until our ultrasound!! Woo hoo! I thought this day was nevvver going to come, and we are doing it a few days early too, ha ha. After that disaster of an allergic reaction I am even more anxious to get in there and see if everything is ok! It will be so fun to see how many are in there, hear tiny heart beats hopefully, and see a little gummy bear(s) on the screen! ❤ I am SOOO excited to finally be able to tell the twins. They have gotten used to my daily puking ha ha, but they're still like what the heck is going on?! Today Claire asked me, "you puking because your legs are pokey mommy!?" 🤣 Nope hun...just didn't feel like shavin! She was rubbing my leg while telling me a story and got distracted by my prickly legs, ha ha. I hope everything checks out ok tomorrow! After losing angel baby Cannon to subchorionic hemorrhages, I can't help but be a little nervous about tomorrow. 

I know now for sure that it was those dang fries that made me super sick, the twins ended up having an allergic reaction also. We share quite a few food allergies, soy is one of them. Poor Cam got a red, bumpy rash on his cheeks, and one of his ears went extremely red. And the inside of Claire's ears were quite red and itchy, and her hand that had just had a rash go away from an allergic reaction to some glittery play slime is back with a vengeance and really bothering her. Poor things! Soy is the devil. I wish so badly we were all normal! Seriously, how would it be to be able to eat anywhere and eat anything anytime you wanted?! I'm just so glad they didn't have severe reactions. I was wondering if it was maybe hormone related, but I know now it definitely wasn't. On the bright side, we are all on the mend! My skin is just really dry and sensitive, and feels like it has been burned but looks normal. I have just been drinking lots of water and taking Sodium Ascorbate Powder (vit c). It is a natural antihistamine and also flushes the body of toxins. Just gave the kids some benadryl and some vit c powder in their apple juice. It is definitely helping. Yippee!

Stay tuned tomorrow to see how the ultrasound went! 🥳👍

A scary allergic reaction!

Last night I was sitting with the kids in the chair watching cartoons a little before bed and started feeling really itchy. Then after about 10 more minutes it got worse. And then really bad. After I put the twins to bed I went into the bathroom to see what was going on. I found red, hot, burning, rash/hives/welts all over my upper thighs and near my groin area. I was like what on earth?! I decided to shower and then put on some of my 100% coconut oil lotion to see if that'd help. It did help a little. But then more popped up on my sides. I got nervous so I emailed my fertility doctor. If she didn't see my email then I'd just call first thing in the morning. It started to dissipate after about an hour, so I was thinking, phew! I went to bed and woke up 2 hours later with severely itchy palms, neck, arms, and my left ear hurt really badly. Got to the restroom and I was absolutely covered in this awful stuff again but in different areas. My left ear was hot, red, and so swollen it hurt to even touch it! I immediately panicked and messaged my mom, who luckily was still up. We decided it was time to wake Granny and let her know what was happening incase I needed to be taken somewhere. I was so itchy and miserable and had no clue why. Granny sat up with me while I called the after hours emergency line at the fertility center. I wasn't sure if it was an allergic reaction to something, if I developed some insane pregnancy rash, or if it was fertility meds related. A super nice night nurse named Shelby talked with me for a bit and felt she needed to wake Dr. C to see what she recommended. She called back and said that it definitely sounded like an allergic reaction and to take an over the counter antihistamine called Hydroxyzine since I am allergic to Benadryl (I know, I'm a total freak). But, I am in a small town staying with my grandparents and the pharmacy was not open at 1:30am. So, we decided we would go grab some in the morning. I was finally able to fall asleep around 2:30 but woke up in a couple of hours to my torso, legs, buttox, and right ear covered in this stuff now. I was so miserable and looked awful. My skin looked like something from a horror movie, a character who had been burned or something ha ha. I have never been so itchy in my life!! I have no clue how I was able to fall asleep with my legs and torso so covered in this painful stuff, but I did thankfully. To top things off,  Cameron woke up twice from bad dreams and had an accident because I couldn't get to him in time. Me and Granny decided it best if I slept upstairs on the couch to be safe. I was worried I may develop breathing issues or have my throat close off or something crazy. As I laid there tired and miserable and not able to sleep, I thought I would look up that over the counter antihistamine. I read on multiple websites that they don't recommend it in the 1st trimester due to possible birth defects. So, then I was like umm no thanks! It must be rare or else my doctor wouldn't have recommended it, but still. I'm always THAT person that these rare things happen to. So, I was absolutely thrilled to wake up with almost all of this nastiness GONE! My skin is sensitive and really dry, but only had a few slightly red spots. As I laid there last night I prayed really hard that this would pass, that I wouldn't need any medications that would be harmful to any babies in my belly, and that we could figure out what caused it. I surprisingly didn't wake with an awful headache, I always do when I get sick from one of my food allergies. So happy! Just felt sick to my stomach, not in a morning sickness way, and was exhausted. So grateful that this passed, and that I was also able to figure out what had happened. I have been using muscle testing at home for many things for about a year now. Our Chiro we see does this as well and it is so helpful. It is a form of Applied Kinesiology, check into it! Anyways, after some testing I figured out it was something I ate. But I couldn't figure out how it happened. I discovered though that wax paper is often soy coated/based. And my Granny had put it down on the counter trying to prevent cross contamination for me when cutting up potatoes for her homemade french fries last night. She feels awful but I told her it is no ones fault! Stinking food allergies!! I was really scared this might hurt the baby(ies) but I think everything is ok based on some muscle testing I did. And I have had no cramping, bleeding, or anything. My gals are still KILLING ME, ha ha. Yay! So, hopefully everyone checks out ok on Monday. I am so grateful that this wasn't worse! I almost thought I should go to the ER. It was scary and nerve racking, but it could have been worse. I'm so glad I didn't get any swelling in my throat or lips or anything. I'll take ouchie swollen ears over not being able to breathe any day! Thanks to my mom and granny for comforting me and staying up with me. You guys are the BEST! ❤❤ Check out my knarly rash 😭😬 So glad that is over and praying it doesn't happen again! My mom said she read an article online about how pregnancy can magnify allergic reactions, that is definitely right! Never have had this happen before. Thank you to my cousin's husbands for coming and giving me a blessing! We appreciate you ❤

Holy belly! - Weeks 4-6 of pregnancy

Look at all this bloat! I already look like I am like 5 or 6 mos pregnant, ha ha. I do not remember being this bloated this early on with the twins. I was 75 lbs heavier then, but still! My cute sister in law said, "our bodies are like, oh yeah, I remember pregnancy, and then it all just pops out!" 🤣 And, I can already feel my uterus just below my belly button. Crazy! Soo excited to see how many are in there. I'll be shocked if there's only 1. If there is only 1, this is one POTENT little babe, ha ha.

So, I'll be 6 weeks on Thursday! It still amazes me how fast babies grow in the womb. The baby(ies) already have grown from the size of a poppy seed to a sweet pea in just 2 weeks. Skin is starting to form, and little arms, legs, hands, and feet are starting to sprout! The heart is also beating now, and optic nerves and lenses are forming.

Hoping I can stay sane until Monday! For now, I am still really enjoying mangoes, guacamole/avacados, bacon, grapes, sweet potatoes, and bananas!

Hcg results! - Beaufoh snow & A snowman

Well, I still haven't heard from the fertility center! BUT...the fertility center was down a person today so they couldn't run the blood work in-house, so they sent it to the hospital instead. I had all my blood work drawn at this hospital with all past transfers, so I was able to login online and view my results! It came back at 4,775!! Hip hip hooray! So, now that we know that things are going as good in there as possible, I can worry and wonder about how many are in there now 🤣 I'm gonna go NUTS before next Monday!! Extremely excited for our first ultrasound. 

Thanks to my Granny for driving me to my appt today ❤ When we left this morning it was 26 degrees, about 6 inches of snow, but clear roads! Was happy we didn't run into any scary or icy roads. The twins LOVED the drive. Cam said "it's so beaufoh!! It's like Cwissmas, Santa is gonna come back wif pwesents!" 🤣❤🎄 The kids had a blast yesterday making "Olive", aka Olaf from Frozen, ha ha. Rocky, my grandparents dog, ate his carrot nose 🤣 Neither of the kids have been around snow, so I wondered what they'd think. Cam took off and dove head first into it, ha ha. He even had snow packed between his little glasses and eyeballs, ha ha. Claire ran around yelling and having a blast. I LOVE the smell of cold Utah weather, I want to bottle it and add it to my candle line!! For reals, wish it were possible. 

We are unbelievably grateful that at least one of our tiny snowflakes has attached! So blessed to be experiencing pregnancy again. This treatment has been more stressful in some ways and easier compared to others. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We are praying that everything continues to go well and that however many babies are in there will measure well and look good next Monday! We love Our Tiny Snowflakes ❄ 

Hello, is there anybody in there? - hcg recheck tomorrow

Hello? Is there anybody in there?! 

So, even though I am still vomiting daily and smells still bother me and whatnot...I am STILL nervous about tomorrow morning 😭 Human nature I guess. Hoping that my hcg has been doubling properly! Supposed to double every 48-72 hrs. So by my calculations, I should be somewhere in the 4,000 - 7,000 range. Praying all continues to go well. So curious to see what my level comes back at! A week from tomorrow is our FIRST ULTRASOUND - I can't wait! Like, really guys, not sure if I can wait...gah! 🤣

12 more days! - Cravings, Dizziness & Bloat

Only 12 more days until our first ultrasound!! Woo hoo! We are so excited to see how many little people are in there. We have a feeling it is definitely more than 1, I'll be surprised if it isn't. Even my treatment coordinator told me yesterday that she'd be shocked if there is only 1 in there, based off my hCG level alone, ha ha. I was originally supposed to have the ultrasound on the 20th, but I was able to make it a few days sooner so that it'd make for less travel for Blake and also will get me home to my own bed sooner! Plus, we don't want to be traveling right before the Thanksgiving holiday. I was told there is a possibility we might not hear a heart beat at 6 wks 4 days, but hopefully we will. I read that you can detect heart beats as early as 5.5 wks with the vaginal ultrasounds. But we will at least know how many are in there, and we'll be able to make sure the baby(ies) are measuring properly!

With both of my previous pregnancies I craved spaghetti sauce, big time! Still not happening this time. Instead, I am loving bacon, ham, sweet potatoes, bananas, apples, guacamole, salsa, and Fritos or plain potato chips. Since I no longer eat flour or sugar, that pretty much made it so that I can't have any type of cracker. So, munching on a few Fritos or plain potato chips throughout the day has really helped with nausea. I find it interesting that I am still eating and craving meat! When I was pregnant with the twins I couldn't stand the sight or smell of meat for quite awhile. And I'm a major meat eater. But then I craved it towards the end of the pregnancy. I have been waking up in the night absolutely starving, so I keep a banana or two on my night stand. Thought this womb service meme is hilarious 🤣 

I am still throwing up less this time around than with the twins. But I am much more dizzy, nauseous, and bothered by smells more. My dad made a sandwich the other night and it sent me running for the bathroom, twice. I don't know what was worse, the smell of the sourdough bread or the cheese. Blah! I read that high hCG can cause worse dizziness and nausea, so that makes sense. Still can't believe it came back at 602! 

I also am WAY more bloated this time around. Like, holy cow. I'll be 5 wks tomorrow and I already can't fit in most of my jeans. Stretchy pants here I come!! My skinny jeans fit for about 5 minutes 🤣

It is so fun and exciting to be expecting again! I hope things go well because I am super excited to see what amazing, beautiful, and fun little people we get blessed with this time around. Will they look like or act like the twins? Or will they be totally different?! We'll see! 

Pregnancy test results! -A slow lab & Sky high HCG

IT WORKED!!! Woah you guys...my hcg level came back at 602! 602! It was 275 with angel baby Cannon and 209 with the twins. I can't believe it! I'm so curious how many are in there!? We are so happy we got a definite positive though. Anything over 80 is good, so we are way past a positive 🥳🥳🥳😭😭😭❤❤❤ Thanks to my baby sis for taking me to the lab today, I was glad I didn't try to drive myself because I don't think this crazy motion sickness is going away anytime soon. The trees looked like they were just whizzing past us and I had to close my eyes, bleh! 🤢 So weird that my motion sickness is magnified 10 fold + when pregnant. I did read that it is an actual thing though! 

It took several hours to hear back from the lab today. LabCorp...you stink!! You do not know what "STAT" means. I was wishing I would have just drove the 4 hrs round trip to the fertility center because the suspense was killing me. I'm glad I slept for a few hrs to pass the time though, ha ha. My mom is awesome and lets me nap daily while she watches the twins, woot! Anyway, the fertility center didn't get my results from the lab until 3 minutes before they were closing, gah! I did the blood work this morning at 9:30. My coordinator Jessica and I were emailing back and forth this afternoon about how crazy it was that things took so long again. But, I loved her response once the results were posted! I didn't see her email until after our phone conversation though because my phone has been weird the last few weeks here.

I figured I was probably pregnant because of all the symptoms I have been experiencing. I get sick so soon after the transfers. Crazy, but good. And it's comforting. But I think my heart just didn't want to believe it 100% until Jessica called. This was the first time I've cried after hearing the news that I'm pregnant, I think. I'm sure the first 2 times I was just in shock, ha ha. So, even though this is our 3rd rodeo, it was also our last shot at growing our family. So today was just extra sweet, such a comfort to have it confirmed! I also did 2 home tests a couple hrs before the fertility center called for fun 😃 Those lines were both solid and blue in about 30 seconds, didn't have to wait the 2 minutes, lol. 

Please keep us in your prayers! The spotting is still off and on but remaining light, so that's good. So it is likely just from embryo implantation or Placenta Previa. I did have extremely fluffy lining on transfer day! My cousin said she bled with all of her embryo transfers. I hope I can keep my cool for a few weeks until our first ultrasound! 😳 How many babies are in there?! My next appt is an hcg recheck next Monday the 9th. We need to make sure that my hcg level is multiplying properly. 

Thank you everyone for your love, support, good vibes, baby dust, happy thoughts, and prayers!

1 more day! - Mickey, Elsa & Implantation bleeding?

Happy Halloween from Mickey Roadster Racer and Queen Elsa! We hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween. The kids had a ball going around to several houses, was nice to see people out and about with tables set up for easy distribution. I wasn't able to go because I was feeling super nauseous a started spotting yesterday. So I decided to take it easy and stay home and lay down. Bummed to have had to cancel some plans, but so happy I'm sick lol! Since the kids have several food allergies we just swapped out their candy when they got back for little treats that they can have and some fun Dollar Tree toys. They had such a fun night. Thanks to Aunt Ashy and Momo & Grandma for taking them. Cam LOVES Mickey, so I was not surprised he wanted to be a Roadster Racer this year. And Claire is OBSESSED with Frozen, so no surprise there. She spent most of the day yesterday singing "Let it Go" in preparation for trick or treating 🤣 Cousin J was an awesome,  super speedy Cheetah!

I started spotting yesterday morning. It reminds me of the spotting/bleeding with the twins, so I'm not too freaked out. Plus, spotting is fairly common in the 1st trimester. Some of you may remember that I had Placenta Previa with Claire - when the placenta grows partially or fully over the cervix. The spotting I'm having is nothing heavy or scary, hoping it stays that way. Could just be implantation bleeding also. My gals are still really sore, I'm still bloated, still nauseous & vomiting, and really tired. Fingers crossed all is ok! I emailed Dr C just incase, we'll see what she says. 

The pregnancy test is tomorrow!! We should have the results by the evening, hopefully sooner! I haven't caved and done a home test yet. But if I'm not pregnant, I'm dying, lol. Stay tuned, pray for my sanity 😀