A sad update - please say a prayer!

Well we just heard from the fertility center. I should have waited to publish my previous post until we had more solid info because they were going to check on the embryo situation for us with the lab this afternoon...they actually thawed ALL remaining embryos to get 3 good ones today. The best two were transferred. So, if the one being cultured and growing until tomorrow doesn't make it, this is it! No more tries. I'm trying to not completely wig out because I know how blessed we are to be given this opportunity. But, I'm not gonna lie...I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm now even more terrified this might not work and we will be left childless, but I'm glad I have my Mom and Blake here with me! We were so lucky to even get these precious embryos, and we're super lucky we got several. Usually only one to a few are donated. So, we are trying to stay positive! Come on little babies, attach!!! And, we hope our last little guy or gal that is growing will culture well. We will know by tomorrow if it's re-freezable. Stick with us little snowflake, don't give up!

Transfer day & A 6 foot 4 inch surprise - The babies are in!!!

All went great today with the transfer, two sweet little snowflakes were successfully transferred! They had to thaw four of them to get two good ones, so sadly we did lose one that didn't thaw well. But, we are still hoping we have two more tries after this one, should the fourth embryo grow bigger in the next 24 hrs and refreeze well. Amazing they can do that! Science is so cool!

I seriously love my doctor! She is the cutest and sweetest little thing, and always makes the transfers exciting, fun, and comfortable. So very grateful for our donor couple also, today wouldn't have been possible without them and their selfless decision to donate. Feeling so blessed and lucky!

I also received a wonderful surprise today...my handsome hubby! Made me cry of course! He drove almost 11 hours to be here, I am so grateful for him! He wasn't supposed to be able to come again because of work, but he showed up at 11:30 today at our hotel. Was so fun to have him here and be able to be part of our special day! He said, "Well I thought I should at least be in the same room as you while you're getting knocked up!" Lol! He always keeps us laughing. 

My lining was at 14mm today, so I hope these sweet babies stay put since they got a fluffier home than the last two, he he. The pregnancy test is on Monday, October 5th...so keep us in your prayers please! Thanks for all of your support and love!

A blessing and a road trip - Tomorrow is the big day!!

Last night I received the most amazing priesthood blessing that I have ever been given! A big thank you to President Barlow, and also to Elder Burgess and my Grandpa David for standing in. I am so grateful for the wonderful priesthood holders of our church. I have never felt the spirit so strong, or ever felt that God was listening in more than right then. He knows how much we want a baby and how badly we hope this treatment works. Many wonderful things were said, and I feel so comforted and ready for the transfer! ONE MORE DAY!

Mom and I set out for the transfer! Time has just flown by, I'm in shock that the transfer is tomorrow! I miss my hubby so much and he wishes so bad he could be here, but I am so grateful for his job, his love for me, and support. He is truly a keeper and the sweetest man I've ever met! Also, very grateful for my awesome parents and grandparents, and for my mom taking the time to bring me again. My mom is the best!

Please say a quick prayer that all goes well tomorrow. We are crossing everything that can possibly be crossed, ha ha. Hoping the two embryos being transferred thaw well and are usable! Hoping to not lose any of our snowflakes. So grateful for our anonymous donor couple, because of them we are being given a wonderful miracle...the possibility to experience pregnancy once again, and hopefully welcome a beautiful, healthy baby into our family after 8.5 long years! 

Thanks from the bottom of our hearts for all of your support, stay tuned for pictures and info from the transfer tomorrow!

Hot flashes stink! - Frozen peas are my friend

Well, you know you're doing hormone injections when you need a bag of frozen peas for your poor, hot, face! 

Peas are my friend

Can you tell which side of my face has makeup, and which doesn't? Ha ha

 So hot! I literally feel like my face is on fire.

My poor poor sides...swollen, bruised, hot, and itchy. And it has barely just begun. If my pregnancy test is positive, I will have atleast 50 more shots to go! Happy to torture myself for the possibility of a sweet little baby!!

God's timing - patience isn't my strong suit!



I saw this and realllly loved it, so I decided I should share since a lot has been on my mind. I don't have any appointments this week until the embryo transfer this Friday (woo hoo - only 3 more days!), so I have had some more time to relax and think. So many times over the last 8.5 years I have thought, why doesn't the Lord just give us a baby already!? We are doing everything we're supposed to, and we would give a baby a loving and safe home! We have cried, prayed, and pleaded for years. Still nothing. 

At some point, those suffering with infertility can feel inadequate, or as if they're being punished for some reason. After our sweet little snowflakes were donated to us, I thought to myself, this is it!! These came to us in such a neat and miraculous way, it's just gotta work this time! And it did, I was finally pregnant after 8 long and very trying years. We never expected to miscarry though, no one in my immediate family ever experienced any pregnancy losses. So when we found out that the baby had passed away at about 8.5 weeks gestation, we were completely shocked to say the least. And later angry. All are necessary stages of grief, but never the less, I couldn't understand why he would give us a baby if it was only going to be ripped away. After all of our trying, suffering, multiple treatments, failure to adopt, and finally adopting the embryos, why couldn't it just have a happy ending!? Haven't we dealt with enough? 

During and after the miscarriage, I thought to myself, I'm never doing another treatment! Ever again. It was horribly painful, heartbreaking, a huge let down, and a waste of money yet again. Why wasn't it good timing?! I was finally a stay at home wife, it would have been perfect! When exactly was the Lord going to finally give us a baby? What did we have to do to get one?! What did we forget to do? But after much thought, prayer, and some time...I have decided it just wasn't the right time, for whatever reasons. And, I don't know when that will be either. This treatment may be a success and we will finally get a healthy baby, or it may not. And there's not one single thing we can do about it. Only God sees the bigger and best picture. His reasons are very hard to understand sometimes. But, if we keep our faith, he will reward us.

This treatment has been much less stressful to me, and is going by really fast. I'm sure some of it has to do with knowing what to expect this time around. But, last transfer I cried and pleaded every morning and night for it to work. Literally. I told him I would do anything for it to work. I was completely desperate. I said if he loved me, cared about my sanity and wanted me to keep faith in him, it just HAD to work. I got pregnant, it worked. But, later we lost the baby. So, I won't be doing that again, ha ha. I'm still so grateful that angel baby Cannon was with us though, even if it was for a short while.

I was telling my mom a few weeks ago that I think that there's something wrong with me because I feel completely different this time around. Of course I'm excited and want it to work, we will be so sad if it doesn't. But overall, I'm just kind of like ehh if it doesn't work - it doesn't work. And I still feel comforted even though I'm feeling that way. I said to her, am I just not as excited after being heartbroken? Why do I feel like that? Am I finally starting to go numb? And my mom said, you've finally just put it all in the Lord's hands and said let thy will be done! And I was like, oh my gosh I have! Not trying to brag, but this is a really big deal for a worry wort like me. So nice to feel this way finally! Don't get me wrong, I'm still terrified to think I might miscarry again. But, last time I made myself sick with worry, and it felt as if I was trying to convince the Lord that IT WAS our time. I'm sure he was in heaven thinking, oh Megan this isn't how it works. But now, I just know that he will do what is supposed to be done. In the end, it's all up to him. Whether we understand his timing or not, his will shall be done. 

So, after almost 9 years of suffering with infertility, I have finally just put it all in the Lord's hands. It took me many years to get to this point, patience isn't my strong suit. And neither is feeling as if I have no control either. It's only human nature to want to control things, but, I'm there, and so very thankful. I'm not sure if we had to lose Cannon specially for me to get to this point in my faith and testimony, or if he just wasn't a healthy baby. But, I feel as if a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!! I am so very grateful that I was finally able to let go, and put all my faith in God, including his timing. I have seen and felt a big difference in my life and testimony by getting to this point. 

Thanks to all who have sent up prayers on our behalf and have put our names in the temples. We can feel your love, good vibes, and support. And thanks for still following us after a heartbreak, I know it's not as fun as the success stories out there. But, I hope our blog can at least give comfort to those currently suffering. We will get our happy ending someday, hang in there! 

It's a go! - Soo ready for transfer day!

We got the go ahead from the fertility center today! Can't wait til next Friday, "baby day" is fast approaching! My Estrogen level has risen nicely, and my lining went from 7.5mm to 12! These babies will have an even fluffier home than the last, ha ha. Had to be at least 8mm minimum to proceed. Estrogen level went from 372 to 1,717 just since Monday, thanks to the not fun pills. Yay for sucky suppositories! Sorry men, sure you didn't want to know that, but it's just one of the many fun realities of fertility treatments.

I'm so grateful that all went well and that I feel so much better this time around. Last treatment, I practically lived in bed at this point. The headaches were awful, the injection sites hurt waaay worse, and I could hardly eat anything. Doing pretty good this time, knock on wood. Woo hoo! Sleeping 8 hours a night instead of 2 or 3. 

The guy at the lab registration counter today was new and super nice! He told me about his neighbor who is expecting triplets at 49, thanks to fertility treatments. He said he had a great feeling about me and just knew our treatment would be a success. He made my day, so I asked him for a picture! :) I love it when you randomly run into super kind people. Thanks Nils for the uplifting chat today!

Let the spaghetti sauce obsession begin! - Cravings are weird

!Let the spaghetti sauce obsession begin!

Pizza for breakfast! I don't know what it is about these injections and pills that make me crave spaghetti sauce, lol?! But I kid you not, I'm to the point again where I like it so much that I could just straight drink it warmed! My mom ate lots of spaghetti during her pregnancies also :) I tried buying some V8 vegetable juice last treatment, but I couldn't make myself drink it. Not only does spaghetti sauce sound super good all of the time, but I feel like I HAVE to eat it. Cracks me up! I ate nothing but spaghetti, little personal pizzas, fruit, and potatoes when I was pregnant with Cannon also. I'm a huge tomato lover normally, but this is just crazy. I've been eating a lot of potatoes again as well, and luckily my I HATE MEAT NOW thing hasn't kicked in yet. I do have to admit though, craving spaghetti sauce again makes me miss our angel baby Cannon even more :( Cravings are weird though! What were your pregnancy or hormone injection cravings?? 

(photo credit: sheknows.com)

Next lining check and blood draw is tomorrow, cross your fingers!! If all is well, I have no more appointments until the transfer on the 25th! Yay! They kept my Estrogen shots at the higher dose of .2, and I had to start these dang Estrogen suppository pills again the other night. But that's ok, don't have to be on them as long this time. I will do whatever it takes!


Note: If pictures appear blurry on the blog and you can't see them very good, just click on them to open them :)

One year already?! - Spreading the word!

Grandma and I went to Krave in St. George after her cataract surgery yesterday. We LOVVVE Dole Whips!!! Anyways, while we were there, I figured it didn't hurt to spread the word on their cool little dry erase wall board thingys. So, I wrote our blog's address on it! Too bad the markers weren't better or else I could have made it cute, ha ha. I think Embryo Donation is just an amazingly selfless thing though. We will forever be grateful to our anonymous donor couple! Without them, we wouldn't have little baby Cannon in heaven waiting for us, I wouldn't be having two more baby snowflakes transferred into me in 9 days, and I most likely would have never been able to experience pregnancy in this lifetime. The love that I have for this wonderful anonymous couple is tremendous. I wish they could feel what I feel when I think of them and our snowflakes...my gratefulness, my full heart, the renewed excitement for the future, our un-shattered dreams, and the many, many happy tears that we have cried in the last year. We will give them the biggest hug in heaven one day though! 

Today marks one year since we were told about our embryos. I remember it was a Tuesday afternoon and I was watching something on Netflix when the phone rang. Little did I know at the beginning of that conversation, that by the end of it I would be told, "I think I actually have something for you! The paperwork is literally on my desk right now, and we didn't know if we would be able to easily find someone for these embryos! Are you interested!?" Blake and I were the perfect match for their donation requirements. I was bawling, excited, and could hardly talk when I ran into the bedroom to tell Blake what I had just heard. Such a special day! There is no doubt in our minds that our loving Heavenly Father is watching out for us!

!EMBRYO ADOPTION IS AWESOME!

Please feel free to share our blog anytime, you never know who might be in need of support! 

(To our awesome new blog readers...go to the very first few posts of the blog, if you haven't already, to hear about our entire story...it all started because of a dream I had, so amazing! Thanks for following us, and best of luck to you!)

A comparison to last treatment - Hormone levels & lining checks

I got my bloodwork results today. 11 days and only a few shots in, my Estrogen level went from 37 to 372! No wonder I've been feeling more emotional, ha ha. It's amazing how fast acting these injections can be. Last treatment my levels were 598 at this point in time. I think because it had been several years since I had done any hormone injections? Who knows, our bodies are strange things! Just waiting to hear from the fertility center on where to go from here regarding my injections... 

I also had my lining checked again today, last treatment it was at 6.5, I believe. Today it is at 7.5. I think it's funny that my lining is thicker this time around, but my hormones are almost half what they were. But I was told it's normal for stuff to vary with each treatment. They can't transfer the embryos into a uterus that has a lining thickness of less than 8, so I'm not too far away :) Still praying things go good, but I'm definitely more laid back. Last time on transfer day my lining was above an 11. The 25th is going to be here in the blink of an eye!

Compared to last time, I feel less nauseous, have  less headaches, and am less bloated. That could just be because my Estrogen level is a lot lower this time though. But, I am picky again when it comes to food, I feel I'm more irritable this time around (I think?), and the hotflashes are definitely goin strong. I feel like I may spontaneously combust at any moment, and my cheeks are so red, ha ha. Too bad I don't have the crisp Utah winter weather this time. Last treatment I would go sit outside in the 30 degree weather to cool off. Felt so good! This time, I just get to roast since it's still in the 80s, ha ha. However, tonight is the first evening that I've been able to sit outside and relax. Yay for fall!

I ended my appointments with lunch at In n' Out with my beautiful cousin, Carolyn. We chatted about the ups and downs of enduring fertility treatments. It can be exciting, yet so exhausting. I'm so grateful for all of the scientific progress they have made. Without science, many wouldn't be able to have children. It's so refreshing and therapeutic to talk to someone who actually knows how you feel. Thanks again Carolyn!

Hello nausea! - Shots aren't fun

After only 2 shots, the headaches, red face, insomnia, hot flashes, and nausea have already set in. Thought I was gonna die yesterday in St. George, and it wasn't even that hot. Was hoping I would catch a break on some of the side effects this time around, but no such luck because I just got a call that they're increasing my Estrogen dose tomorrow, ha ha. I never had an increase last time, but that's ok though, just hoping for a healthy baby! 

I'm having the same trouble as last time though with meals. Finding something that sounds good isn't very easy, these injections make you already feel pregnant. Went to the store for chili, and by the time I got back it sounded beyond disgusting. So, here I am with chips, salsa, a caffeine free diet coke, and some sour gummy worms, he he. YUM!! Last treatment, I lived on bananas, oranges, fresh french fries from my grandma, and spaghetti, ha ha. Shots aren't fun.

Passing the time until transfer day - 16 more days!

Passing the time until transfer day!

Mom and I will be heading to Pleasant Grove before we know it! Wish the hubby could come, but so grateful he has a good new job! 16 more days and I will have two more little embryos transferred in to me, I can't believe it. Time is just flying by this treatment, and I feel like I'm doing way less shots somehow! It's nice to know the ropes this time, SOO much less stressed. Here's to hoping I stay that way, ha ha.

I have: been to Pine Valley, went on four wheeler rides, played ponies with my little cousin, walked the weeniedogs, took pictures of my Granny's beautiful yard, visited family, played games, took my baby sister to the St. George temple and visitors center because she had never been, watched cartoons, went on a picnic, and got goodies out of the quarter machine!



First day of treatment! - Groundhog day

Well, here we go again! Feels like I was doing all of this just last week, ha ha. Had my Baseline Ultrasound and first round of bloodwork done today. Much less to stress about this time when it comes to the process of everything. Last time I was so stressed about what was next, or what this or that was going to be like. So I hope that'll help me relax some this time around! I start my shots tomorrow evening. Eek! Not looking forward to it since my sides are just now 100% healed from last time. But, it has to happen to get us a sweet baby, so I will happily be a miserable pin cushion once again! My lining measured at 4mm today, which is perfect, and better than last time around. So I hope that's a sign of good things to come! Was so happy to see Johanna again today, my favorite nurse for sure!

After my appointments, my baby sister and I went and ate at Red Robin, did some shopping at Deseret Book and Charming Charlie's, and giggled most of the drive back home from St. George, ha ha. Gotta love sisters!! 

A name for our angel! - A very special post for us

I have been thinking a lot about our baby lately,  a lot more than normal. Probably because we are starting another treatment very soon, and it for some reason feels like we're trying to "replace" the baby. To those who have never lost a child, that may sound odd. But, to those who have, you probably know what I'm talking about and struggling with. Pushing forward after the loss of a child at any stage of pregnancy is very difficult. It not being given a name publicly somehow makes it seem like it wasn't totally real?? I don't know how to describe exactly what I'm trying to say or how I feel. But, it just bothers me to call the baby "it" when we talk about things. 

When I did the post "A ring, and an angel" shortly after the miscarriage, I almost posted what we wanted to name the baby as well, but we hesitated. I don't know if we were quite ready to share that yet, and we thought that some might think its weird because I was only 8-9 weeks along and we didn't know it's gender. But now, I have no idea why on earth we cared what others might think about OUR baby that WE lost. No one knows how we felt or feel. Losing our first baby after trying for over eight years is the hardest thing we've ever been through, and was unbelievably heart breaking. I personally feel that it was a baby boy, but of course we can't be sure because it had already deteriorated too much to tell when I finally miscarried. Sorry, I know that sounds awful, but it's reality.

Tonight I was talking about things with my sweet Aunt Kim. She was inspired to say everything that she said, and I love her for that. Thank you! The Lord often uses others to comfort us, speak to us, and to answer our prayers. It has really been bothering me lately that I can't comfortably say normal things to others like, "when I was pregnant with ______, I felt..." My aunt mentioned how the movie Heaven is Real made her think of us, and how she wondered if we had named the baby or not. In the movie, the little boy had a near death experience. He mentioned to his parents that a girl without a name comforted him while he was briefly in heaven. The parents had never mentioned to him that they had a miscarriage before having him, yet he was able to tell his parents that his "other sister" came to him in heaven and hugged him. She also told him that their parents didn't name her, and that she died in their mommy's tummy. He was able to describe to his mother what she looked like! That gave me the chills and brought me to tears. This movie is based on a true story! I haven't seen the whole movie, my sister only looked up that one scene for me, but it was very powerful. I will definitely be watching it soon...with a GIANT box of tissues.

So, I can't see any reason why our little one doesn’t deserve a name. Even if my gut is wrong and its not a boy, it has been impressed upon me that this is supposed to be the baby's name. We liked this name for either sex. I know that the precious babies we lose in this life are waiting for us in heaven and are not forgotten. We will get a chance to raise them, and they are watching over us. To those who have hesitated naming your lost babies, please don't! I hope this post will bring us some closure, comfort those who have been in our situation, and raise awareness that, "A person is a person, no matter how small!" We hope and pray that Cannon will send us a sweet brother or sister soon ♥ 

We love you, Cannon Page!

We miss you everyday, thank you for making us a Mommy and Daddy.