I saw this and realllly loved it, so I decided I should share since a lot has been on my mind. I don't have any appointments this week until the embryo transfer this Friday (woo hoo - only 3 more days!), so I have had some more time to relax and think. So many times over the last 8.5 years I have thought, why doesn't the Lord just give us a baby already!? We are doing everything we're supposed to, and we would give a baby a loving and safe home! We have cried, prayed, and pleaded for years. Still nothing.
At some point, those suffering with infertility can feel inadequate, or as if they're being punished for some reason. After our sweet little snowflakes were donated to us, I thought to myself, this is it!! These came to us in such a neat and miraculous way, it's just gotta work this time! And it did, I was finally pregnant after 8 long and very trying years. We never expected to miscarry though, no one in my immediate family ever experienced any pregnancy losses. So when we found out that the baby had passed away at about 8.5 weeks gestation, we were completely shocked to say the least. And later angry. All are necessary stages of grief, but never the less, I couldn't understand why he would give us a baby if it was only going to be ripped away. After all of our trying, suffering, multiple treatments, failure to adopt, and finally adopting the embryos, why couldn't it just have a happy ending!? Haven't we dealt with enough?
During and after the miscarriage, I thought to myself, I'm never doing another treatment! Ever again. It was horribly painful, heartbreaking, a huge let down, and a waste of money yet again. Why wasn't it good timing?! I was finally a stay at home wife, it would have been perfect! When exactly was the Lord going to finally give us a baby? What did we have to do to get one?! What did we forget to do? But after much thought, prayer, and some time...I have decided it just wasn't the right time, for whatever reasons. And, I don't know when that will be either. This treatment may be a success and we will finally get a healthy baby, or it may not. And there's not one single thing we can do about it. Only God sees the bigger and best picture. His reasons are very hard to understand sometimes. But, if we keep our faith, he will reward us.
This treatment has been much less stressful to me, and is going by really fast. I'm sure some of it has to do with knowing what to expect this time around. But, last transfer I cried and pleaded every morning and night for it to work. Literally. I told him I would do anything for it to work. I was completely desperate. I said if he loved me, cared about my sanity and wanted me to keep faith in him, it just HAD to work. I got pregnant, it worked. But, later we lost the baby. So, I won't be doing that again, ha ha. I'm still so grateful that angel baby Cannon was with us though, even if it was for a short while.
I was telling my mom a few weeks ago that I think that there's something wrong with me because I feel completely different this time around. Of course I'm excited and want it to work, we will be so sad if it doesn't. But overall, I'm just kind of like ehh if it doesn't work - it doesn't work. And I still feel comforted even though I'm feeling that way. I said to her, am I just not as excited after being heartbroken? Why do I feel like that? Am I finally starting to go numb? And my mom said, you've finally just put it all in the Lord's hands and said let thy will be done! And I was like, oh my gosh I have! Not trying to brag, but this is a really big deal for a worry wort like me. So nice to feel this way finally! Don't get me wrong, I'm still terrified to think I might miscarry again. But, last time I made myself sick with worry, and it felt as if I was trying to convince the Lord that IT WAS our time. I'm sure he was in heaven thinking, oh Megan this isn't how it works. But now, I just know that he will do what is supposed to be done. In the end, it's all up to him. Whether we understand his timing or not, his will shall be done.
So, after almost 9 years of suffering with infertility, I have finally just put it all in the Lord's hands. It took me many years to get to this point, patience isn't my strong suit. And neither is feeling as if I have no control either. It's only human nature to want to control things, but, I'm there, and so very thankful. I'm not sure if we had to lose Cannon specially for me to get to this point in my faith and testimony, or if he just wasn't a healthy baby. But, I feel as if a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!! I am so very grateful that I was finally able to let go, and put all my faith in God, including his timing. I have seen and felt a big difference in my life and testimony by getting to this point.
Thanks to all who have sent up prayers on our behalf and have put our names in the temples. We can feel your love, good vibes, and support. And thanks for still following us after a heartbreak, I know it's not as fun as the success stories out there. But, I hope our blog can at least give comfort to those currently suffering. We will get our happy ending someday, hang in there!
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