Well, sadly it was not good news today 😠The gestational sac was still completely empty. No baby. I had a feeling this was the case. I was trying to stay positive but I was 90% sure there wasn't a tiny person in there anymore. The doctor told me that with these pregnancies, once the embryo implants, the inner cells that are the baby quit developing/don't form properly at some point, but the outer cells continue developing, basically mimicking a healthy pregnancy. He said that I likely haven't miscarried on my own yet because I am still on the progesterone injections and estrogen pills. Not looking forward to that part! But it is quite a comfort to finally know what is going on. We HATE being in limbo and not knowing what is happening. This last week has been absolute torture.
I think I am mostly struggling at the moment because I am relieved about a lot of things that were concerning me. I feel guilty for that and can't help it. Blake said the same. The twins had bad reactions to their immunizations as infants (we think Claire suffered silent seizures, among many other things between the two of them), they both were badly tongue and lip tied and those had to be corrected (Cam suffered severe feeding issues due to this), I was worried about finding a doctor who would be into my new hippie ways ha ha, I was really worried about pre-eclampsia, bed rest and early labor again (especially since we have kiddos this time around), and Blake has been really worried about something bad happening to me during this pregnancy. So, maybe it was really a blessing in disguise? We are still mourning the loss of what we could have had, but trying to find comfort in the situation.
On the way to our appt today the freeway was closed due to a bad accident. So we had to go another route. Just as Blake was about to switch lanes to be in the correct lane to exit for our other route, he decided to not get over. I said the traffic was stopping too quickly ahead and this van coming up along side us was going way to fast. So we stayed in our lane. Well, that van kept coming, and coming. It never stopped, never braked. It plowed right into the back of a stopped pick up truck in the stopped traffic. The van's air bags went off and they flew off into the desert, eventually coming to a stop. The truck they hit spun around and across the lane right in front of us (luckily Blake was able to stop in time to avoid hitting them), and they went over into the emergency lane onto the opposite side of the road. Super scary!! I am so very grateful that we did not change lanes today, as it would have been us that the van would have plowed into the back of. I was very upset and my heart was beating like crazy. I very much hope that everyone was ok, it looked like the truck that got hit by the van had a few middle school aged kids in the back seat. The bed of the truck was badly crumpled. The mom flung her door open and raced around the back of the truck to check on her kids who were obviously in distress. I can't help but think of how differently our day could have gone. Someone was definitely watching out for us this week...when Blake hit the deer, another time in Vegas on the freeway when two people tried to cut us off at the same time and nearly smacked into each other right in front of us, and again today. So, today could have been a lot worse!!
We are EXTRA grateful for our beautiful little Cam and Claire tonight!!! Claire was quite concerned when I came walking up to the car crying today after my appt (I tried hard to hold it in so I wouldn't upset them but it just wasn't happenin), but I assured her that my tummy would be getting much better soon and she didn't need to worry about my puking anymore or my sad tears. She was so happy and relieved when I quit crying. I am SO glad that we decided to wait to tell them until we knew if everything was ok for sure or not. Now their little hearts won't be crushed or confused. I am heart broken about the fun little surprise party I was planning for them that we won't get to throw now. But they are such beautiful, funny, smart, precious, and fun little blessings! I absolutely cannot imagine our life without them. We are so blessed to have received these donor embryos, and have been so lucky to get these two. Plus, we now have two angel babies waiting for us!
Please keep us in your prayers! We plan on naming this angel baby as well, doing a Christmas tree ornament for it like we did for angel baby Cannon, and getting another Willow Tree angel figurine for our Willow Tree family ❤ Helps the heart to move on a little easier. Thanks for all of your love and support!
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