An ornament for our angel - Merry Christmas Cannon!

(photo credit: unknown, google)

I still cry and think often of our first baby that we lost early this year. Yes, I'm chalk full of hormones from our sweet twins, but I miss this little one we never knew SO much. There's just something so special about the bond of a mother and the baby(ies) she's carrying. Although I miscarried in the first trimester, this baby still meant the world to us. I don't think it matters how soon or late it happens, it all hurts so bad. We had been waiting and waiting and waiting to finally be pregnant or adopt...and we got to do both, thanks to Embryo Adoption! It was finally our turn. Eight years is a LONG time to wait. When we found out the first transfer was successful and that we were expecting, our lives were forever changed. And changed even more when we lost the baby at only 10 weeks. Though this little one wasn't fully developed and only the size of an olive, it was so precious to us. Cannon had a heart beat and was growing strong until the hemorrhages complicated things. I try to not dwell on that though. Constantly thinking "what if's" makes things harder.

While we adopted these embryos from another couple, they're still very much OUR babies. While Cannon's life with us on earth wasn't meant to be for long, he/she still blessed us in so many ways. I am so grateful for that this holiday season. It may sound weird, but I often feel the spirit of someone so small and so sweet when saying my prayers. It always brings me to tears. I just know it's Cannon comforting me. I hope he/she continues to watch over us and the twins. I'm pretty sure that Cannon, along with Gma Sandy, sent them special order just for us - to help heal our broken hearts. This holiday season I know that Cannon is in heaven with our other loved ones, the angels, and our beloved Savior. That is the only thing that brings me comfort, along with our LDS beliefs that "families are forever". This post was very hard for me to write, wasn't expecting that. Should've known though, I haven't been able to bring myself to make Cannon's shadow box just yet. But, I felt that an ornament for Christmas was definitely in order! Blake and I both saw these beautiful snowflake ornaments at exactly the same time at the store. So awesome! I have faith that Heavenly Father will continue to help us through this. I am so thankful for my husband, our families, friends, and the two sweet babies on the way!

Merry Christmas our little snowflake!