Saturday, October 31, 2015

Happy Halloween!

The twins latest pictures, love our little monsters already! 


I love these skeleton baby shirts!! I've always wanted to be pregnant at Halloween, and it's finally happening! I ordered this before we knew we were having twins ha ha, so I just added a "x2"! He he. So exciting!


Since Blake wasn't going to be able to be with me for Halloween, I took a picture of him before he left last weekend. So funny. His shirt is from last year but it still goes along with mine this year I think, he always has my back :)


Also, is this not the cutest little bunny you've ever seen?! Love my little niecey to pieces!



Friday, October 30, 2015

A very scary morning turned out to be an ok afternoon! - Gonna lose my marbles before these two get here!

I woke up yesterday, went to the bathroom...and BAM! My world ended. Blood is NOT anything I wanted to see this entire pregnancy! Not how I wanted to wake up yesterday either. I was instantly terrified. I started bawling and saying no no no! I literally couldn't believe my eyes, it just wasn't registering in my brain that I was seeing blood. It was like a nightmare. I was so confused, everything had been going SO good! But, this is just about when we lost Cannon, almost to the day. So I've been extra nervous. I called and texted my favorite nurse in a panic. No answer. Emailed my doctor. No answer. Of course these sweet ladies can't foresee that I'm going to be experiencing issues and reply immediately. But, that was one of those instances that I really wished it were so. But, within 20 minutes my nurse called back and said, "Yes come in! We need to check on those little babies!" 

So, my little brother and sister went with me to St. George because my Momma had been helping with my sister's sweet new baby all night. So thankful for them! I love my Bubbie and Sis so much! I couldn't drive myself, and I needed support and a distraction ha ha - they're both quite the characters! However, that was still the LONGEST two hour drive of my stinkin life!! I seriously thought I was going to go insane. Time to think is NOT good. I kept thinking...are they both gone? Is only one having issues? Is there something wrong with ME, why can't I get past 8 weeks!? Is there a subchorionic hemorrhage and they missed it somehow? Should we even bother with our last transfer? We felt so good about this treatment, why isn't it working out?? I truly was preparing myself for awful news. I couldn't get a hold of Blake either. That turned out to be a good thing though, he would have been so sick with worry all afternoon at work. No one in Vegas that I called could get me in, I was so upset. And, it'd cost us a fortune to go to an ER while out of state with our new insurance. I love my fertility center and their staff so much anyways, so it worked out to just drive there. My baby sister kept saying, "I'm sure they're both fine, think positive!" And I would just sniffle and say, "I can't, it's happening again, just like last time." So glad she was right!

 One of the other fertility doctors did my ultrasound (I hadn't met him yet, he was super nice though). I honestly was fearing the worst. My heart was already breaking. The bleeding was too similar to last time, so I braced myself as he started the ultrasound. I don't know if I was even breathing, it couldn't be good news right!? BUT, our precious little twins were ok! Before we could finish the ultrasound I had to go potty again because my semi-full bladder was blocking our view. Ugh! But, atleast he showed me the two heart beats before my bathroom trip so that I could start relaxing. Bless his heart!! Monica was able to come in the room with me and see the babies on the ultrasound screen. We even got to hear their little heart beats again, such a comforting sound!! Their heart rates were great (153 and 148) and they still measured ok.

We discovered that the reason for the bleeding wasn't anything to freak out about just yet. No subchorionic hemorrhages lifting the placentas. I actually have Placenta Previa. One of the babies placenta's attached very low and is partially covering my cervix opening in my uterus. Usually it corrects itself (even though it can take awhile), and slides over on to the uterus wall as the baby grows bigger, where it can continue to grow. Our next ultrasound is in a week. So we can check on the placenta again then. What a relief!! I was sooo scared and was so afraid we wouldn't see any heart beats. But, our babies are still going strong! 

Please keep us in your prayers, we really hope the one placenta moves to where it should be! We will be so heartbroken if we can't get them BOTH here and healthy. So grateful that we still have two sweet raspberries in there! I said a prayer before we left yesterday, for everything to be ok because we CAN'T handle another loss. So grateful that Heavenly Father comforted me and that all turned out ok! It definitely could have been worse. If you have a serious case, Placenta Previa can be a major issue...hemorrhages, miscarriage, low birth weight, etc. So glad he said mine isn't anything to freak out about. I'm supposed to rest and drink a ton of fluids until the blood that's trapped passes and the placenta moves. Hang in there babies, please don't give us any more heart attacks!!! 

Before leaving I asked the doctor for a picture for my blog. He gave us great news afterall! And, he explained everything very well and was very hopeful. He said, "You have a blog?" I said, "Yep I do, and people from many different countries follow us!" He said, "Wow, that's somethin! Here let's hold up the pictures, and if it's ok I will do this." (thumbs up) He he :) My poor face was so red and puffy from crying that morning and crying more after we got the good news that I had to make it black and white, lol. But, I flew outta the house like a crazy person, didn't even brush my hair. What do you expect, ha ha.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I'm an Auntie!! - Welcome baby Joyce!

My younger sister just welcomed her first baby yesterday afternoon! This is the beautiful little cousin who was due just weeks after our Cannon would have been. She is SOO beautiful, we got to go visit last night. I may have puked a few times in the grass when we got there because car rides make me so sick, but it was definitely worth it! A nice lady let me have a banana from one of their maternity tour food carts. Life saver! Anyway, we are all so in love, she's perfect in every way. She's a great mix of her parents, but they change so quickly. On her birthday day, she wasn't born with much hair like her daddy was and it's fairly light colored (all us kids had mass amounts of black or dark brown hair). She seems to have his ears and nose, and my sister's beautiful eyes and lips. Everyone is saying how she doesn't look like a newborn, she's so pretty and looks a month old already. She was 18 inches and over 7.5 lbs. She opened her eyes for us and said hello, melted my heart! Blake is gonna die when he sees her!! I can't believe we will be doing this in May/June...with TWINS!! My favorite picture is the one of her lovingly looking at my sister. This pretty baby knows who her Momma is! Congrats to my sister's cute family! Baby J has everyone wrapped around her itty bitty little finger already :) I know that our angel baby Cannon is watching over this new and precious cousin! 







Monday, October 26, 2015

Still in shock! - Pregnancy brain is REAL people!

I am still in shock that there are TWO little babies in my body! I have dreamed of having twins since I was a little girl. My dolls were twins, my Barbies and stuffed animals always had twins, my younger sister and I pretended to be twins, both my grandfathers have twin sisters, my great grandmother, and great uncle had two sets of twins! Twins are all over in my family, both sides. I've always thought that myself or one of my siblings would for sure have twins, but when infertility struck my heart sank. My dream of having twins was crushed. Especially after we ended up with zero embryos to transfer on transfer day back in 2008 when we did IVF. But, my dream was made much more possible by our amazing anonymous donor couple last year! I cry at least a couple of times a day out of gratitude, we feel so unbelievably blessed. There isn't a prayer or words good enough to thank God for this miracle, so I'm glad that he knows what's in our hearts. They're overflowing, plus some!

I truly believe that our hearts couldn't have handled this treatment being unsuccessful. Heavenly Father definitely hears our prayers! We are still nervous for our 9 week ultrasound, that's when we found out that Cannon had passed away. But, we are comforted by my ongoing morning sickness, extreme tiredness, and wacky emotions ;) That means all is still hopefully going well in the baby house! We are thrilled that I still have not experienced any spotting this treatment. Hopefully all continues to go smoothly. Still so crazy to me that I had bleeding issues with Cannon (a single baby), but not with the twins. Seems backwards. Unfortunately, the growing placentas can sometimes hit an arterie. It's just bad luck the fertility center said. But, I think me and my Mom are right...Cannon was urgently needed back in heaven for a greater adventure. Love you baby Cannon, thank you for sending Mommy and Daddy TWO little siblings!! We are having TWINS, woooo hoooo! 

I am still craving mustard, pickles, tomatoes (so yay for smoked turkey sandwiches!), potatoes of any kind, white grape juice, lemonade, tuna sandwiches, lays stax chips, and rice chex. Still throwing up several times a day, getting more and more tired, very clumsy, feel and look very bloated, and my sniffer has gone into overdrive. Smells bother me...A LOT, ha ha. I've also discovered that pregnancy brain is REAL people!! I'm such a Forgetful Franny. It's really irritating me, ha ha. Yesterday I got up three times and still didn't get what I needed, grr! My skin is still quite soft and clear though, my nails are growing like weeds, but my hands are extremely dry and have an itchy rash on the tops of them. Hoping it's just from a new lotion and isn't here to stay. It is driving me nutsss! Baby lotion seems to be the only thing that doesn't irritate it. Kinda funny. I know a lot of women get itchy rashes during pregnancy and can have extra sensitive skin. So we will see what happens. I'm also experiencing major traveling issues. I would have looked better and happier on ultrasound day, but I had just ruined most of my face makeup, along with my esophagus ha ha, by violently throwing up in the bathroom two minutes before the ultrasound. When I'm in the car it doesn’t matter if I'm driving, a passenger, or whatever...I'm sooo sick! I can't look out the windshield because it feels as if we are in a fishbowl going super fast. Just intensified motion sickness, or a balance issue? It's not an altitude thing because it doesn't matter if it's a local 15 minute ride or a four hour out of state drive. Gag! Whatever it is, it makes me feel dizzy and weird in the head. My nurse had never heard of that, but one of my cousins said that happened to her with two pregnancies and she couldn't drive for a few months. I'm just glad I'm super talented and held it in by some miracle until we got to the fertility center ;) Otherwise, poor Mom's Lincoln! I luckily carry trash bags in my purse though.

Please say a prayer that Blake and I will not stress too badly over our next ultrasound. I was a nervous wreck the entire week of the last one. We are hopeful, but terrified x 2! Ha ha. Thanks for all of your love and support!

I forgot to post this cute picture that my mom took on ultrasound day. Soo happy that Blake was able to be there. He is also coming for our other one on the 6th! :)

Friday, October 23, 2015

Ultrasound results are in - Holy. Freaking. Crap!!!

Holy. Freaking. Crap!!! That's all I can think to say right now to sum up our feelings, ha ha!

We were sooo very scared today, afraid of the worst of course after suffering a miscarriage. But, low and behold...there were TWO sweet little blueberries on the screen! Both our snowflakes attached (fraternal twins) and measured perfectly. They BOTH (can't believe I'm saying that!) have healthy heartbeats, each at 123 bpm. Anything over 100 is good. Baby A measured at 6 wks 3 days, and Baby B measured at 6 wks 4 days. Estimated due date is June 12th, but they'll most likely take them in the end of May. We are still in total shock, ha ha! Maybe we can relax more after our next ultrasound. For the sake of Mommy's and Daddy's sanity, stay healthy babies!!

I am officially 7 weeks tomorrow (they base it off your transfer date), and we follow up in two weeks to make sure all still looks good. Many happy tears shed today! To top things off, there are no subchorionic hemorrhages by the babies (blood pools)!! Last time I had a large one by Cannon, plus two others. We think that the large one is what caused the miscarriage, but can't be sure. 

Wish we would have recorded our ultrasound  today so you could have seen my face ha ha, but I'm so happy we did pictures at least! I said, "oh my gosh is that TWO?!" as my favorite nurse started the ultrasound. What a beautiful sight! So very happy that Blake could be there with me today, he drove hours to be there! It was such a special day for us. Best birthday present EVERRR! Me and mom were like, "oh my gosh!!" and quite vocal, lol. Blake just sat there with a big smile on his face and tears in his eyes. Melted my heart! Love my Blake to pieces. He's been so strong for me this year, though I know he was just as scared as I was today. Blake was right though I think, the trick was that BOTH Mommy and Daddy needed to be at the transfer ;) He said again today, "See, I told ya I at least needed to be in the same room." Lol. Thanks to my Momma for driving us today and being there to share in our exciting moment. She got to see the transfer as well. Love you to pieces Mom! 

Thanks for all of the love, support and sweet messages! I am still throwing up strong, extremely tired, and verry bloated. Like, I look 4 months pregnant already. My food likes and dislikes vary day to day, but I still cannot stand the smell of beef or pork. Gag!! I'm normally a carnivore, ha ha. I've been eating a lot of crackers, oranges, Zataran's brand rices, potatoes, turkey sandwiches, and drinking lots of water, apple and grape juices. I don't keep down much, but I don't even care...WE ARE HAVING TWINS!! Ahhhhhhh!!





Monday, October 19, 2015

Pregnant on my Birthday! - Only 4 days til the ultrasound, how many babies did the stork bring?!

This week is my birthday, I have been waiting over 8.5 years to be pregnant on my birthday! It has been something I've wanted so badly because it seemed so fun, and it's FINALLY happening! Though it's not happening at the age I originally wanted, lol, it's still very exciting none the less! A GIANT thank you to my parents for assisting us financially once again, without them this wouldn't be happening right now! I can't think of a better birthday present than a little baby or babies on the way though, can you!? We can't wait for the ultrasound on Friday, only 4 more days!! One or two, either will do! I seriously hope I survive, I'm going nuts, ha ha. I'm very excited, but also very scared. I need to know that there is a healthy heartbeat NOWWW!! Can you tell I'm super patient? Really though, it's all in the Lord's hands. But, it's so hard to stay 100% positive when you've had a previous heartbreak. Blake and several others assure me that everything is going to turn out just fine though, so I'm holding them to it!! :) We are excited to see how many babies the stork brought us...what do you think?? Lots of people think twins this time. Blake and I both say one, but aren't 100% sure it's not two ;)


Have a great week everyone, see you back on here Friday evening with the ultrasound results! 


Friday, October 16, 2015

Officially 6 weeks - Holy bloated!!

Time is going by so slow, yet so fast! I'm already  6 weeks. So grateful that I'm still very sick (like can't leave the house most days), and that my symptoms haven't lessened slowly like they did with Cannon. Yay for morning (I mean all day!) sickness, ha ha. I've been getting more nervous about making it through the next few weeks because that's when we found out that Cannon no longer had a heart beat. But, I got an amazing blessing from our family friends, Wendell and Ken, the other night! I feel comforted and more confident. The fear of the baby's heart rate being low at our first ultrasound is still lurking in the back of my brain, but I just try to remember all of the wonderful things that were said in my blessing and I'm comforted. What a blessing the priesthood is!

I have been eating tons of chicken nuggets, sandwiches, crackers, mint chip icecream, and peaches. I'm very picky and it varies day to day, but hey, why eat something that makes you want to gag!? I can't stand hamburger and pork again, along with most sweets. I'm still sleeping very well and now taking naps. But boy am I BLOATED!! Anyone ever do treatments and experience this level of bloating? I wasn't nearly this bloated with Cannon. I look like a weirdo! It's mostly low in the pelvic area, but seems to be spreading upward, ha ha. I look way further along than I am with a maternity shirt on, and it's not baby, lol. It's quite tender to the touch in some spots too. I know the injections can cause some discomfort and bloating, but geeeeze! I can't sleep on my tummy anymore and have to position my legs just so when sleeping on my sides now. Hoping I might feel better when I stop the shots in a month or so. Maybe not though, stopping the injections scares me to death, ha ha! 

Baby is growing super fast! It's already the size of a sweet pea. This week: the jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears and nose are starting to form into a cute little face. Also forming is the kidneys, liver, and lungs. It's little heart is already beating 80 times per minute...so amazing!! All of this is going on with a baby that's only 1/4 inch long :) Keep growing baby(s), we love you!! Ultrasound is on the 23rd!



Thursday, October 15, 2015

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Hug someone today!

My heart hurts for all of those that have experienced miscarriages, babies born sleeping, and infant losses. Losing something so precious brings a horrible kind of pain with it. One that I don't imagine will ever fully go away. I think about baby Cannon everyday. Should my pregnancy have gone how we wanted, he would have been due this week. Would he/she have had lots of hair? How much would he have weighed? What would his adorable baby giggle have sounded like?

Even though we are comforted by our faith and believe that "families are forever", I still struggle with things. I do take comfort though in the fact that our little angels are in a place more wonderful than we could ever imagine. Their souls were too pure for this earth. They're happy, healthy, thriving, and watching us from above. I'm not sure why the Lord took our first baby that we waited so very long for, but one day we will know. And we will even get to meet Cannon. I look forward to that very precious moment. We thank our Heavenly Father everynight for the new little one(s) on the way, and we pray with all of our might that we may be able to welcome a healthy baby in June.

Hug someone today, give them flowers, drop by their favorite drink, or a card! Don't be afraid, I know you can do it!! Just something to let them know you care. Because really, they mourn everyday. So many people have suffered losses, many you don't even know about. I wish I could hug every single one of them! I am thinking of you all though, along with our angel babies.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Blood work re-check!

Well today went well! And it was a bigger stress relief than I was expecting. I've been so sick that I kinda knew things had to be ok (daily record so far is 8 toilet visits), but it was just nice to have it confirmed. They like to see the hcg around 1,000 at 5 wks, that means everything is progressing as it should. Mine was at 2,255 today! It was 1,836 last treatment. That would explain why I'm much more acquainted with the toilet this time around. I bet I've throw up almost 100 times in the last two weeks, ha ha. Ugh. But, I will happily be sick everyday til this baby gets here, as long as everything goes good!! Bring on the barf! Can't wait til the end of this month, we will be able to relax even more if the baby looks good on the ultrasound. Come on healthy heart beat! I'm sooo nervous.

My progesterone has dropped just below 20, at 18.4. So, we will see if the fertility center is going to up my dose a little or not. Last treatment it was like 80, so that's a big difference. I think my body is just processing it differently this time and doing what it needs to do. We shall see what they say. Still no spotting, we are so thrilled!

So, today was good! It would have sucked to get bad news period, but especially since today was my woulda been due date with Cannon. So thankful that all is going well, we're trying to keep the faith that things are going to go our way this time! 

Hang in there baby(ies), can't wait to see you on the ultrasound screen in a couple weeks!! 


Sunday, October 11, 2015

I have the best Momma! - late night snack runs!

I have the best Momma! Late last night I realized that I had finally eaten all of my little carton of mint chip icecream. I can't eat much at a time, but it settles my stomach. And, living with food allergies normally isn't fun...let alone while pregnant and yucky feeling! So, after 10pm last night, she went and bought me more of my beloved gluten & dairy free mint chip icecream, and even some yummy crackers! I've been wanting some saltine crackers SOO bad, but I'm allergic. I highly recommend these Glutino brand table crackers to my fellow allergic friends and followers! Good gfdf crackers are verrry hard to find, so I haven't had any until now because the ones I've found make me gag...while not pregnant, lol. But, these are big and yummy! Thank you for taking care of me Mom :) I've been spoiled this entire trip, my grandma and sisters have also taken very good care of me and ran and bought things that sounded good! Late night snacks runs are the best, especially when you don't have to go ;)

Yes, that is an adorable wienerdog puppy in my icecream picture! Love my nephew puppy, he follows us everywhere.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Two weeks since the transfer - I finally braved leaving the house, ha ha!

Well I finally braved leaving the house after two weeks! Can't believe it's been two weeks since the transfer, it feels like a million stinkin years, lol. Blake said he's already forgotten what I look like again, ha ha. He's so cute, I miss him terribly and could use one of his stress melting hugs right now. Two months is a longgg time to be away from home, but it's for a wonderful reason. Every day that I don't spot is a victory! I can't keep stressing or I won't be able to enjoy anything. Trying to take things one day at a time :)  It's still hard to not panic at every bathroom trip though. And I catch myself waking up in the mornings and thinking, do I feel as nauseated as yesterday?? Are my boobs less sore?? The joys of treatments after a loss. I'm getting better though and more excited!

I'm still quite sick, but last night wasn't too awfully bad. I was going stir crazy ha ha, so we braved leaving the house. Just have to make sure I don't eat for awhile before I leave and all is ok...sometimes, lol. I went to Ulta and Ross last night with Momma and baby sister. Amazingly enough I didn't buy anything, but it was fun to get out of the house! My sister and I decided to model some sunglasses. We picked the most obnoxious ones we could find, ha ha. Mine looked horrible on me.


I was supposed to go see my adorable nieces today, but it just ain't happenin. Not a good day today. But, sick is good!! Hopefully I can snuggle them next week.

Getting more and more excited about our tiny(s)! The end of the month needs to be here NOW, I may go crazy before we can have an ultrasound, ha ha. Bloodwork recheck on Monday, praying my level has risen like it should. See you back on here then!

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

A little update - our little orange seed!

Well things so far are going really good! I got to reorder my meds yesterday, so that's an exciting thing to check off the list. They're pricey, but we are just so happy that we are pregnant and got to reorder! Not everyone is as lucky. We have been blessed to have good news both times. My heart breaks for those who get negative pregnancy tests after transfers :'( 

Still no spotting...KNOCK ON WOOD!! Sleeping well, and injection sites are doing awesome compared to last time. I'm still sicker than a dog, running to the bathroom several times a day. HELLO TOILET! But bring it on, that means it's a healthy, growing baby! I stopped throwing up last time after a few weeks and we thought it was a good thing, but really it was a sign that my hcg was declining. I have lost some weight, become more tired, more bloated, but my skin is super soft, ha ha. Having weird and vivid dreams again. Craziest so far...I was beautiful and thin and married to Tim McGraw, not bad right!? But then giant, scary aliens invaded so it was ruined, lol. I'm craving spaghetti sauce still, but have been eating a lot of things like rice rollers and popcorn because it's kinder to my sick tummy. Plain water is grossing me out, gonna have to get some lemons and limes again. 

I feel different this time around, in a couple of ways. Mentally and emotionally, I can actually picture myself with a pregnant belly! Last time I didn't really have that. I kind of knew deep down something was off maybe? But this time, I feel more hopeful! Physically, I had somewhat of a pressure feeling in my lower abdomen last time, but it's stronger feeling this time. I'm experiencing "growing/attachment" pains apparently. Your uterus starts expanding, and also as the placenta digs in and grows it can cause some discomfort. Similar to lady cramps but feels different, and not nearly as intense.

Baby(ies) is almost the size of an ORANGE SEED and looks like a tadpole right now! Started out microscopic, so I would say that's a ton of growth in not even two weeks! The first part to form is the circulatory system (or blood). That's why their tiny heartbeat is visible on early ultrasounds. Another thing under construction at the moment is the neural tube. That turns into baby's spinal cord and brain. It's amazing that we all started out like this, tiny little blobs of cells that quickly start forming a human! They have a heartbeat quite soon. What a miracle the human body is, just blows our minds! Keep growing strong little baby(ies)!! 

I have a bloodwork recheck on Monday to make sure my hcg level is rising like it should. Praying hard that all is going well in the baby house and continues to! We are still nervous, but so very excited! I think we will be able to breathe a little after our first ultrasound. Cannon's heart rate was low from the beginning, even though we weren't aware. So, crossing our fingers that all looks good. Can't wait for our first ultrasound, the next few weeks are gonna feel like an eternity, ha ha. We are very anxious to see how many are in there! One or two, either will do! Due date is most likely around June 12th. But we shall see. Thank you Heavenly Father for this miracle!

We love our little orange seed already!

Monday, October 5, 2015

Pregnancy test results - what a day!

!!What a day!! 

After very rainy weather for traveling, what seemed like an eternal wait for them to draw my blood, and an even longer wait to finally hear from the lab and fertility center...WE ARE PREGNANT!!! I am still in total shock, today was stressful, ha ha. Not sure why I was doubting because I've been super sick and pretty much knew I was, ha ha. But, I think I just couldn't let my little heart fully believe after losing Cannon. Blake and Granny said they already knew though, ha ha. But, I got to hear those amazing words for the second time! "Congratulations, you are pregnant!" BEST WORDS EVERRRR! We are so thrilled and grateful!! Really wishing I could hug and kiss our donor couple right now, ha ha. Without them, Blake and I would not be excited beyond belief once again. What a blessing embryo adoption is! 

Not gonna lie, I'm still super scared something may happen. That's normal after a loss, and very hard to make yourself not think. Blake keeps getting after me, ha ha. But, I've made it through today without any spotting, that's one better than last time. So we will take it!! Please stay put little baby or babies! I feel better and better as the day goes on though. Now time for some relaxation and de-stressing!

My hcg level was 275 with Cannon and 209 today. Anything over 80 is considered positive! We found out while we were at my sister's in-laws house ha ha, so my sister's mother in law, Corkie, got to hear the good news before Blake. So, I asked her for a picture since she's extra special and got to be one of the first to hear, he he. I was actually in the bathroom puking when Blake called me back, lol. My sister answered my phone for me and said I was throwing up in the bathroom, so to hold on. And when I came on the phone he said, "so is it good puking, or bad puking!?" Ha ha. I was so happy to say, "it's good puking!!!" I will be sick for ever, as long as this little stinker stays put! We are so happy and will be able to do our first ultrasound in 3 wks. I will be 7 wks by then. We don't know how many are in there yet, and won't until the ultrasound. But, hoping to find a good ob/gyn in our new town! 





This picture below means the world to me! I have waited YEARRRRS to have a belly picture with my younger sister! I know I don't actually have a visible pregnant belly yet, but this still counts! :) We didn't know she was already pregnant with Joyce when we found out we were expecting Cannon. So, we didn't get to do a belly picture because we lived so far away when she found out. But...here it is!! I will treasure it forever! I hope all goes well and we get to see our beautiful little babies play together next year. Love you Ash! Yay for babies!!!


Sunday, October 4, 2015

A baby shower, LDS General Conference & One day til the pregnancy test!

This weekend was my younger sister's baby shower! It turned out absolutely beautiful, and was a BLAST. She had so many show up to support her, and received tons of cute gifts. My sister looked beautiful, I am totally in love with her big belly. I am insanely happy for her and her little family. For those that are thinking oh poor Meg, that must have been SO hard...stop right there! Not once during the shower did I think about my upcoming pregnancy test, my miscarriage, or think oh poor me! Today was about happiness and baby Joyce only. I probably had almost as much fun as my sister, he he! We can't wait until baby Joyce gets here! Another plus about today...I got to hold some CUTE babies! 









 I CANNOT believe that we have our pregnancy blood draw tomorrow!!! Time has absolutely flown by. The whole treatment, even since the transfer, has just gone by super fast. This 2ww (two week wait) has not been nearly as nerve racking as the first. I am getting a little nervous, like I almost just wish I didn't have to go, ha ha. But, at least our two other embryos miraculously bounced back. If this was our last try, I would be so sick with worry. Extremely grateful for those two precious embryos. I am so sick though that I will be shocked if I'm not pregnant. I told my mom, either I'm pregnant, or someone has poisoned me! Threw up 3 times during my sister's shower yesterday, ha ha. And my chest hurts so bad that I almost cried while just lint rolling my shirt today. So...stay tuned for the results tomorrow evening! It's all up to our Heavenly Father, but we are hoping for great things!


Was it just me or was this General Conference just super good!? So many great talks given by lots of amazing people. So grateful for the leaders of our church. I think President Monson is absolutely adorable. I am proud to be a Mormon! I really enjoyed the Hollywood interviews by Sheri Dew on BYUtv. It's great that we have some wonderful christians of all faiths in the crazy Hollywood community to tone down the insanity. I also loved Von Keetch's talk. Once the surfers noticed the sharks by the barrier that was blocking the good waves, their trip suddenly wasn't ruined anymore. Often we don't see the danger, consequences, or reasons for things because we are so focused on and tempted by the fun and desirable things. I feel this way about infertility. You can become so obsessed with wanting a baby that it completely consumes you. We then blind ourselves to God's plan for us. God's plan is best, though we may not see it at the time, or for some time. Conference has helped me feel the peace and comfort that I needed. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday!








Thursday, October 1, 2015

Angel baby poems - we miss you baby Cannon!

A sweet friend recently told me that she loved following my blog and that I was an amazing mother! For a second I thought, a typo? She accidentally put "mother". Then, I remembered that I AM A MOTHER! Thanks for the tender reminder Lacee! Though we won't have a baby to hold soon because Cannon is in heaven, Blake and I are still very much a Mommy and Daddy. I found these poems online on Baby Center and absolutely loved them! I really felt like I should share them. I cried like a baby, you've been warned. They're absolutely wonderful! 

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about Cannon. Some days are worse than others. It's crazy to think that my due date would have been in about two weeks. But, I know that our sweet baby is in heaven watching over us. The Lord felt that our first baby had fulfilled it's journey, though it broke our hearts. I especially loved these poems because they talk about sweet and comforting things, like the babies sleeping on their mommy's pillows, and holding their hands. I have felt the sweet little spirit of Cannon several times. To all the other angel mommies, hang in there, and seek comfort in the fact that our babies are in a more beautiful place than we could ever possibly imagine. They're being held by family that has passed on, and hugged by angels! Like in the poem What Makes A Mother...I like to think that we loved baby Cannon so much already, that he got to go straight to heaven! We have been hoping and praying with all our might that Cannon and Heavenly Father have sent us a sweet sibling. Four more days!!


"WHAT MAKES A MOTHER"
I thought of you and closed my eyes, 
And prayed to God today. 
I asked what makes a Mother, 
And I know I heard him say: 
A mother has a baby, 
This we know is true. 
But, God, can you be a mother, 
When your baby's not with you? 
Yes, you can he replied, 
With confidence in his voice. 
I give many women babies, 
When they leave is not their choice. 
Some I send for a lifetime, 
And others for a day. 
And some I send to fill your womb, 
But there's no need to stay. 
I just don't understand this God, 
I want my baby here. 
He took a breath and cleared his throat, 
And then I saw a tear. 
I wish that I could show you, 
What your child is doing today, 
If you could see your child smile, 
With other children who say: 
We go to earth and learn our lessons, 
Of love and life and fear. 
My mommy loved me oh so much, 
I got to come straight here. 
I feel so lucky to have a mom, 
Who had so much love for me. 
I learned my lessons very quickly, 
My mommy set me free. 
I miss my mommy oh so much, 
But I visit her each day. 
When she goes to sleep, 
On her pillow's where I lay. 
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, 
And whisper in her ear. 
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." 
So you see my dear sweet one, 
Your children are ok. 
Your babies are here in My home, 
They'll be at heavens gate for you. 
So now you see what makes a mother. 
It's the feeling in your heart. 
It's the love you had so much of, 
Right from the very start. 
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. 
They'll be up here with Me one day, 
And you'll know that you're the best one! 

"SURVIVOR"
My mom is a survivor, or so I have heard it said. But I can hear her crying, when all others are in bed.
 I watch her lay awake at night, and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her, to help her understand. 
But like the sands upon the beach, that never wash away. I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day. 
She wears a smile for others, a smile of disguise. But through heaven's open door, I see tears flowing from her eyes. 
My mom tries to cope with my death, to keep my memory alive. But to anyone who knows her, knows it's her way to survive. 
As I watch over my surviving mom through heaven's open door, I try to tell her angels protect me forevermore. 
I know that doesn't help her, or ease the burden she bears. So if you get a chance, talk to her and show her that you care. 
For no matter what she says, no matter what she feels, my surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

"SOMEBODY"
Somebody said
it was all for the best,
that something was probably wrong.

Somebody said
it was meant to be,
Different verse,
same miserable song.

Somebody said,
"You can have another!"
As if that would make it alright.

Somebody said
"It was not a real child."
Somebody's not very bright.

Somebody thinks it is helpful
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colors.
Somebody isn't a friend. 

But somebody said, "I'm sorry."
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow
And held my hand when I cried.

And somebody always listened
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood
That I'd never again be the same.